So, completed another full day snack free. Not easy, I think I'm heading into mood swing heaven. HAHA! It's ok, it will all work out.

Last night after I posted that post, it dawned on me when I read the part about saying no to myself with the donut? Sounds stupid I know, but it is not about that donut. It is not about the junk food. It is about saying no to ME. To my FLESH..To my rebellious side. For as long as I can remember *and my parents can remember..sorry guys* I have always had this rebellious side that would always come out. I can remember many times thinking to myself "Is this really worth the consequences? Absolutely. Who cares." My whole life I have done whatever comes to my head regardless of what the consequence may be. So although I thought this was all about food, I think God is dealing with my rebellious side.

Today was a true example of it. I find that whenever Josh and I have a "discussion" *interpreted meaning: disagreement* I tend to go out and get snacks. YOu know why I would? Now I cannot believe I am ACTUALLY admitting this, but Josh H-A-T-E-S spending money on junk food. He would much rather snack on fruits then eat a candy or snacky food. So he gets so annoyed when we are tight right now adn money is spent on junk. So I really think that when I would be mad at Josh, I would turn around and in my mind "punish him without him knowing" by buying junk food. Sheesh..And who was I really punishing? ME! Haha.. Anyway..So there is my revelation...I am feeling better and better each day. Time to go to bed... Goodnight all!!

Actually I am going to watch Scare Tactics right now..HILARIOUS!

So today I have officially completed my first day of conquering this eating thing. And I must say, I did pretty good. I was able to say no to myself when temptations came and stick to it. It's funny how some things work out. I went to the gym tonight and I was talking to a lady there and she was STICK THIN and she was saying, "I can't stand this little tummy I still have from my kid". It made me realize that even the most perfect looking lady can feel insecure about herself. It really is I think about perception. In my view, she looks amazing, in her view she looks terrible. How ironic.

Today I went to the store with my son. He wanted a donut from the store. He was such a good boy, I decided I would get it for him. Now let me tell you, it was a HUGE accomplishment to not get myself something for myself. I had all kinds of thoughts and trying to rationalize why it was OK for me to have a donut. I kept saying, well I'm going to exercise, Well, I just don't care! I've been doing so good all day, why not reward myself, and then finally, I just said NO! Danielle NO! You cannot have that because YOU DON'T WANT IT. And I gave Samuel his donut, walked away and didn't have a donut, a bite of Samuels, a crumb from Samuels. Nada. big accomplishment for me!

I was talking to a friend today, and she was saying about how all day her weight is on her mind. When she gets dressed, with every food put in her mouth, with ever glance in the mirror. It's so funny because when she said that, I realized how obsessive this can be. I do the same thing. With every pair of jeans I put on, it is a little tighter, everytime I look in the mirror I grab my love handles. Every time I put something in my mouth I literally imagine what the food is doing to my insides. Crazy. I have decided that every time I think about my weight, I am going to say something positive to myself. I need some positive reinforcement from myself!! So, that is what I learned today. Thank you to that friend who opened my eyes to it.

So here it is..Here is where I am at..

So I've decided to tackle my eating problem..As in, I eat to much! haha! But seriously, I'm sure there are millions of mother's out there identifying with the struggle to get in shape after baby. I find a lot of mothers resolve themselves to "this is my new body, get used to it". Well, I don't think it has to be this way. And for me, it is more than getting into shape. It is more than an ideal weight... It is about becoming healthy. So, I'm going to blog about my journey to becoming healthy.

So here is a little background. Growing up I never had to watch what I ate. I could eat pretty much anything and not gain a pound. I always was very self conscious about my weight from a very young age. It all started from 2 things. First, my grandma used to say to me "You have your father's bone structure. You are going to be heavy if you don't watch it" That was at age 8. At age 10, I was a mother's helper and we stopped to get pizza. I asked to get 2 slices and the mother said "Oh my God are you serious? You are a pig.. I don't even eat 2 pieces". I was MORTIFIED. If anyone knows about my dad, he has struggled with his weight for as long as I can remember. I adore my father and he is my biggest fan and I really couldn't ask for a better father, so I am in no way blaming him for anything. Anyway, ever since then, I struggled from time to time with eating. Right before I left for college, I got really sick with a kidney infection. I lost a lot of weight and you could literally see my ribs. I remember thinking to myself "Wow...this doesn't look so bad". Terrible. As soon as I got to college, I gained the weight back and was at a healthy weight. Then I had Samuel. My body went into total havoc. Not only did I start emotionally eating, but I started realizing that I could no longer eat whatever I wanted. This made me even more upset which ironically made me eat more! I was at my heaviest a couple of months after Samuel, that is until Zachary came along. When I found out I was pregnant with Zachary I vowed to not gain a lot of weight and What did I do? I gained 51 pounds! 20 pounds more than I gained with Samuel and that was starting from 15 pounds heavier from a healthy weight.... Ahhh...

I have tried every diet, I have exercised, not faithfully. All this comes to the fact that I now realize, it is more than dieting. it is more than just aimlessly exercising. I did Body For Life last year and it worked WONDERS. But the change didn't stick. It's because I had the mindset "Oh once I get into shape I'll be able to eat whatever I want again". Wrong. So after much prayer and God speaking to me a lot about my weight and generational curses, I have decided enough is enough. I found myself constantly going out and buying food like McDonalds, Dunkin Donuts, Wendy's.. Anything unhealthy and as I would order it, I would not even really want it, but I would still eat it. So I asked God what the deal was. He spoke to me about being honest with myself. I honestly resigned myself to the fact that I would never follow through with anything and never be healthy. I always said to myself "I'll start again tomorrow..." Well, no more. I need to get healthy. I am currently according to my height, considered overweight. I know I am not healthy because I am constantly tired and sluggish. This is NOT because of Zachary. He has been sleeping 8 hours through the night for a while now. I am sure I am tired just from being a mommy, but I know I can do better.

So, this time, with God's help, I am going to once and for all conquer this hold food seems to have over my life. I know I can't do it on my own or in my own strength, I know I'll have hard days, and I know I"ll have good days. So I am facing it head on and I am going to blog about it so that I can see the journey and the breakthrough I am going to have! So please, pray for me as I do this. So there it is!! Until next time!

See this beautiful baby? I love him :-)

So, I have had my first taste of both kids having a meltdown at the same time. So how do you deal with two kids melting down with just one parent? I have a massive headache, but at least all is calm finally here. ha ha!

Not to much has been going on lately here. We are still actively looking for a church in PA. It's a little tough. WE are finding that either the worship is really awesome and the message stinks, or the message is awesome and the worship stinks! Haven't found that happy medium yet. Tomorrow we are going to a Elim affiliated church about 15 minutes away. I'm excited to see how that church is! It is a big church, so I'm not sure how we will adjust. We are used to going to churches that have no more than 60 people in them! So we shall see.

I am finding that I have been incredibly cranky lately. It's OK I guess, I'm tired. I am really frustrated actually. This week we started Body for life again. It has not been easy for me at all. We are supposed to eat 6 times a day, and I think my kids are sabotaging me. My biggest problem is lunch actually. By the time I go to make myself a sandwich, Zachary starts crying, I calm him down then Samuel goes potty, then Zachary starts crying again and next thing I know, it is 2 hours later and I've missed my meal. Argh.. I need to prepare better the night before I guess. I am doing really well though with keeping up with cleaning, laundry, and the kids. I have myself in a nice little routine right now.

I am in the midst of finding Pre-schools for Samuel. I think I have found one that is nice. I have an appointment on Tuesday to do a walk-through. I still want to homeschool, but Josh isn't sold on the idea yet...Still praying. I have been doing some Pre-school things with him though and he LOVES it.

Zachary is so adorable. He is the chubbiest little baby. I cannot believe how much bigger he is than Samuel! Samuel is adjusting really well to the baby. He is constantly kissing him, putting the binky in his mouth, wants to hold him..It's absolutely adorable. He is a really good big brother!!

Josh is doing well. Working and studying quite a bit! Nothing new there.

Oh ya, I wanted opinions... I have an opportunity to start school again on June 30th. I have signed up, but I'm kinda torn on whether to start or not. The school I will be going to is completely online. It does 1 class every 5 weeks, so at no point are you ever doing more than 1 class at a time which I think is great. However, I am torn because I really do not want to take any time away from my kids. I also really want to get my degree. I do know that I won't be using it for quite some time if ever, but I just feel that it is so important to me to finish my degree. So I'm not sure what to do!!! Pray for me!!!

So that is it. Nothing exciting going on here! Hope everyone is well!