So It has been a LONG WHILE since I've blogged. So much has gone on. Well for starters, we went to LI for 2 weeks after I last blogged. That threw me completely off..The long and short of it, I have not worked out once in over a month and I have gained about 6 pounds now.. (originally 8, but I lost 2) I cannot seem to get back on track. I have started school which is a big undertaking, but I am enjoying it! Samuel has also started pre-school! HE LOVES IT! He talks and talks about "Ms.Shaddon" translation- Ms. Shannon. I've been working with him to remember what his teachers name is so today when I picked him up, I said "Samuel, what is your teacher's name?" He said "Ms. Shaddon. She loves me". HAHA! I LOVE HIM! I also just joined MOPS which is great. I highly encourage anyone who isn't a part of a MOPS group to join. It is so nice to be with other moms and to get encouraged in the Word at the same time.

I have found that this is a challenge for me. I am seeing that the way I look has been keeping me inside. Literally. I notice that I DREAD going to church, or dropping Samuel off, or even going to Long Island because I cannot stand the way I look. I don't like how I feel and I'm sick of going around this mountain. So again, I need to really work on this. I'm going to stop looking at it as a diet. It has to be a way of living.

I am taking a Nutrition class right now in college and I read something very eye opening. It was talking about the difference between "Hunger" and "Appetite". Hunger actually starts in your brain. It shoots a signal down which basically says "EAT". An Appetite also has to do with the mind but in a different way. The book was saying that when you pass by a bakery say, your eye catches that chocolate cake which sends a signal and you may not necessarily be hungry, but you get it because it visually looks good. It said if you walk away and train yourself to do so, change yoru thinking, it will not effect you so badly. So, I thought that was a great way to look at it, so that is how I am going to look at food from now on!

So that is a small update. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with this blog! We shall see :-)

I've been wondering for the past WEEK that I haven't blogged, about getting past these struggles. Wondering if for my whole life I am going to have to struggle with my weight.

For the past week, I have had insomnia. I mean just not sleeping. I am exhausted. Every night, I've had these extreme fears hitting me. I always am wondering what would happen if something happened to my kids, what if Zachary is sleeping on his belly and stops breathing, what if someone breaks in? Is the door locked? What do I have to do tomorrow? Are the bills paid? Why did I not eat right tonight? Why have I not blogged? Just to name a few. I mean constant keeping me up at night. It's been a huge struggle and I am wondering what God is doing in this and why I am so not at peace lately. It has been effecting my eating in a huge way. I have either not eaten, or eaten junk. I cannot say I have had a completely healthy meal in about a week and a half. I have only exercised twice this week and both work outs were not the greatest. So here I am again at 12:15am wondering, Why am I so unsettled?

I am about to go spend some time with God and really try to get a breakthrough here. I think I am learning right now that I am having a hard time because I am in a sense regretting my life. I was talking to Josh tonight about my eating habits and just telling him how I am struggling with my sweet tooth. I mean EVERY DAY I want sweets. That is it. He asked me if I have always had that desire and I realized that I only started having a huge sweet tooth after Samuel was born. Insightful a little huh? I realize that I have not forgiven myself for the way my life has gone. This was not MY plan. MY plan was to go to college, have a career, get married at 25 earliest, work and then have kids. Here I am at 24, married, no degree, and 2 kids! Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids..I am desperately in love with them.. I love my husband... And my anniversary is next week. 4 years! I am just seeing that food has seemed to be the only comfort for me. I already knew this. Whenever something in my life doesn't go right, I feel out of control. I get completely out of control in all areas of my life. I think God is trying to show me that when one thing goes wrong or not according to what I assumed my life would be, I cannot allow everything else to come crashing down.

I do not want to struggle. I do not want to feel like I do right now. I'm not even sure if I am supposed to be feeling like this! Am I being too hard on myself? I really don't like it when Christians are constantly "struggling" with something. And I feel like that is me sometimes. I don't believe Christians need to be struggling constantly. We have all the tools to be free! So why aren't we?

I was listening to talk radio this afternoon and this radio show host was talking about a dream he was having. I was half listening, but then the radio seemed as if it was blaring and all I heard the guy say is this: "If you want to have peace in your life you need to have God as the center". No joke, this was 710AM radio...NOT a christian station, mostly politics and this is what this guy randomly says? Sounds like God wants my attention! So I am going to go now and really seek God tonight...No more messing around!

Because I have been bad...very bad...But it is ok. I am not going to be so hard on myself. I have to loosen up or I will not get anywhere. I am pretty sure the stress alone is causing me NOT to lose weight..so, I'm not going to think about it. Or try not to at least. I am going to do what I know to do. I am going to eat right and exercise like I usually do. God will have to take care of the rest.

I have decided that I need to incorporate more fish into my diet. I am going to try and eat fish at least twice a week. So the plan as of now, is fish twice a week, chicken three times a week, turkey meat one day a week and then a red meat, whether it be steak or chop meat. So , that is the updated plan!!!

Nothing new really going on around here. I start school on August 26th and I am SOOOO excited. I am taking 4 classes online. It doesn't look like I'll have to physically go to the school at all. Mostly all of the courses I need are online which is working out great for me! Also, I found out that my schooling is covered 100%! Thank you Lord for providing!! I am actually going to receive money for school. Sweet.

My kids are ADORABLE. Every day I am telling you they are melting my heart away. Zachary is much more vocal. He spends the whole day cooing and looking at me as if he has something super important to say. Samuel is VERY VERY mischeivious these days, but it's ok. I've been noticing his eyes lately. He really does have beautiful big eyes and really long dark eyelashes. Pretty goodlookin' kid :-) Not that I am bias or anything :-) Zachary is sleeping wonderfully through the night. He goes to bed at around 9:3o 10:00 and sleeps until 7:35 every morning. LIKE CLOCKWORK he wakes up at 7:35 exactly. I nurse him, he stays up until about 9 and goes back to sleep until 11:30. Amazing. I really think using the binky has a lot to do with it. My sister's baby still doesn't sleep good for her, but she never took the binky. I bet if she had that, she would have slept better. Maybe not :-) She's only the world's cutest little thing!!! You have to hear her.. My sister says in a loud voice "Don't touch!" And you hear her little raspy girly voice say while she's pointing her finger "dunt tuch". AHHH. Makes me want to eat her little face up!!!

So that's the update... Hope everyone in blogworld is great!

It's been a few yes. A few not so good days! I am getting increasingly frustrated. My weight is NOT BUDGING. NOT AT ALL. My work outs are great, and I'm not feeling as "floppy" for lack of a better word, but I'm also not feeling very comfortable in my clothes. ARGH. On top of everything, Samuel has been well, let's just say A BOY to the max. I mean, if I am not entertaining him every second of the day, he is truly testing my patience.

So this is all a trickle effect. I find that since I'm frustrated about my weight, my apartment is starting to slowly slip which is causing stress. Then of course there is that lovely time of the month..as in paying the bills. Whenever that happens I almost shut down completely. First let me say, I AM SO THANKFUL for Josh's job. Now let me say, we are struggling with this pay. I know it is only for the time being and he will be making more as soon as he passes his levels, but in the mean time, it's been really rough. We took a HUGE pay cut to come here... $10,000 to be exact. On top of starting to pay for insurance through his job, and the bills are not cheaper here in good old Philadelphia. I called around for car insurance only to find out that Philadelphia has one of the nations highest car insurance rates. And boy were they not kidding. One place quoted me for $2000 every 6 months!! WHAT ARE THEY NUTS! Who can afford that these days? I mean we literally drive within a 5 mile radius every day. Except for when we go to NY. Crazy. So for now, I have to keep my current insurance. Ahh the stress.

I'm sure the stress going on right now IS NOT helping with weight loss. I am definitely losing my motivation and I guess my hope. I love my kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I feel like I'm not sure how many kids I want to have if every time after my body goes through this beating. This weight loss can be so daunting. I think I am also too hard on myself. I think I am spending too much time on the computer hoping that by the time I get off, all of the stress will go away. It's not the case at all. So, for now, I need to get off of this computer and clean. Today I go for my placement testing. Yes, I am starting college again! Hooray. I must be crazy. Major scheduling will have to go on this next year!! Anyway, gotta go! Hope everyone is well!

I followed my eating plan exactly today and I WA S STUFFED by dinner...So I just didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry. Weird. Never thought there would be a point in my life where I wasn't hungry. Funny.

Workout was great. I finally figured out what to do to fit in my regular strength training and training for this 5k. Josh doesn't leave for work until 9:45am. So I have been going running at around 7:30 and then in the evening when he comes home, I go and do my upper body or lower body..Whatever is due on that day. Right now I do cardio Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturday and I alternate doing Upper body and Lower body on Monday Wednesday and Friday and I take Sunday off. So I am just going to add that extra cardio in the mornings on Monday Wednesday and Friday. I think it will work well.

Please pray for Josh by the way. He has been increasingly frustrated with his job which means, you've got it frustrated at home. He has to get a recommendation to pass to the next level in his job and he has been having a tough time getting it. If he doesn't get it in the next 2 weeks that could mean he could lose his job which would be TERRIBLE. So please pray. I am confident that he will get it, and he seems to think so too, but I think his frustration is preventing him from passing. So please pray for him this week! It's vital that he passes. I'll keep you all updated!

So that is it for tonight. Till tomorrow!

Yesterday my mom, sister, brother and niece came to visit me. It was SO refreshing to see some NORMAL (well, what's normal anyway) familiar faces. I needed that so badly. My niece is an absolute adorable, true girly girl. She's got the attitude and everything. If you jump over to my facebook and look under my new pictures "visit with the fam" You will see her. She absolute lights up my life. She definitely entertains me! We brought her in the pool for the first time. Let's just say, she is less than thrilled with the pool! haha! More like SHE HATED IT. After quite a few minutes of her being in the pool and screaming, she finally would walk around it like a little princess who was truly annoyed. Love her love her love her. Now my sister is having another baby and I cannot wait!!!

So my workouts have been going really well. I am really pushing myself to my limit and I am feeling very strong. I started training for a 5K I want to do in NYC. Anna pointed out that I could probably skip the first 2 weeks of the training schedule and jump right into the 3rd and she was right! I didn't realize that I could actually do it, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm not going to lie though, it is TOUGH. But I am really excited to see my progress.

When it comes to the eating, well I was doing really good until yesterday when my family came. It is not that I am necessarily eating junk, but a lot of starches as of late. That is definitely my downfall. I LOVE starchy food. Some of my favorites are chips, crackers, mashed potatos, and my all time favorite, pasta. All foods I should only being eating in extreme moderation. Ahh.. I decided to remind myself that I was not going to take a free day right now. I think once I get into a healthy weight range it will be ok for me to do that. But in this initial weight loss period, I need to just be a little strict. I still have about 12 pounds to go before I am in a healthy weight range for my height. So until then, bye bye free days. I'm OK with that. Well, let's see if I'm ok with it when I'm having a strong craving. I find that when I keep up with my fruit, I don't crave sugar as much. So I am making sure I am always stocked up on fruit.

So that is the deal. I have had a good couple of days and I'm proud of that! So until tomorrow!!

Thanks to Anna for making my page so BEAUTIFUL! I love it! My mom, sister, niece, and brother are coming today! Hooray! I'll post tonight!