Last night, I was home alone. Well, not really. Samuel was sleeping and Josh was at his parents house helping his dad with something. So I was home by myself late at night. I initially put the TV on then I thought I dont feel like frying my brain...haha..so I went on You Tube and started looking up songs that I love. I came across two Rita Springer songs.. The first was was "Worth it all" and the second was "When I think about the Lord". Music usually has a huge impact on me all the time. I started thinking about what an impact those two songs had on me. When I think about the song "When I Think About the Lord" I think of my second semester at Elim. I believe Peter Stern was playing the guitar at one of those 5 hour worship services or maybe Katie Jo, I'm not sure. But whoever it was played that song and that was the first night I can honestly say I surrendered myself to God. I had such a breakthrough that night and such a weight came off of me it was incredible. I started shouting and really crying out to God. It was the weirdest mix of emotions. I remember being on my knees and being SO grateful to God for all he had done for me.

The second song also reminds me of Elim. It was during womens chapel. Jessie Fife (was that her last name?) She was preaching. Jessie was always an inspiration to me. She was on my team at NYSUM, we had so much fun in Manhattan and I really admired her happiness and her bubbly personality. Anyway, she was preaching at the womans chapel. This was the last one I would go to. I remember I had just found out I was pregnant. I didn't want anyone at school to know but, of course, you know Elim. Everything spreads like wildfire. Anyway, Jessie was talking about how God spoke to her through this song. She put it on the loud speakers and I remember I had felt like I was in such despair. That song absolutely touched me and became the song that led me through the tough times of my pregnancy. Especially the line "It's gonna be worth it all my pain its gonna be worth it all my joy its gonna be worth it all I believe it". At some point in during the song I just broke down. I had felt so humiliated, so scared, and really just confused. Jessie came up to me and started praying. She really touched me. We had another service that night and I remember Bryce (also my team leader at NYSUM) , came up to me and told me that my baby was not a mistake. That my baby was going to be a strong person in God and that I was not to be afraid and that he was proud of the choice I had made to keep the baby. I believe Susie or Jessie was there also. So the reason to say all of this is to say that my life has been centered around those two songs it seems. Now when I hear the song "When I think about the Lord" I think of how faithful he was to me to send Jessie, Bryce, Susie, Matt, Sara, Kyle, Angela, Jessi and all the people who supported me at Elim through those first three weeks. He really used them to bless me and get me through that initial hump. God knows exactly what you need when you need it.

Thinking of all this today helped me to put my life in perspective right now. It's been really a very tough few months (3 years!) and I have to remember when I feel like complaining and feeling depressed, that God carried me through. That poem Footprints is my favorite poem and it really does pertain to me. I can't dwell on the mistakes I made and the consequences. I can't dwell on the bad things. I really need to dwell on the promises of God that he will never leave me or forsake me. So Praise God for showing up again for me when I needed it!! Love you all :-)