I've been wondering for the past WEEK that I haven't blogged, about getting past these struggles. Wondering if for my whole life I am going to have to struggle with my weight.
For the past week, I have had insomnia. I mean just not sleeping. I am exhausted. Every night, I've had these extreme fears hitting me. I always am wondering what would happen if something happened to my kids, what if Zachary is sleeping on his belly and stops breathing, what if someone breaks in? Is the door locked? What do I have to do tomorrow? Are the bills paid? Why did I not eat right tonight? Why have I not blogged? Just to name a few. I mean constant keeping me up at night. It's been a huge struggle and I am wondering what God is doing in this and why I am so not at peace lately. It has been effecting my eating in a huge way. I have either not eaten, or eaten junk. I cannot say I have had a completely healthy meal in about a week and a half. I have only exercised twice this week and both work outs were not the greatest. So here I am again at 12:15am wondering, Why am I so unsettled?
I am about to go spend some time with God and really try to get a breakthrough here. I think I am learning right now that I am having a hard time because I am in a sense regretting my life. I was talking to Josh tonight about my eating habits and just telling him how I am struggling with my sweet tooth. I mean EVERY DAY I want sweets. That is it. He asked me if I have always had that desire and I realized that I only started having a huge sweet tooth after Samuel was born. Insightful a little huh? I realize that I have not forgiven myself for the way my life has gone. This was not MY plan. MY plan was to go to college, have a career, get married at 25 earliest, work and then have kids. Here I am at 24, married, no degree, and 2 kids! Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids..I am desperately in love with them.. I love my husband... And my anniversary is next week. 4 years! I am just seeing that food has seemed to be the only comfort for me. I already knew this. Whenever something in my life doesn't go right, I feel out of control. I get completely out of control in all areas of my life. I think God is trying to show me that when one thing goes wrong or not according to what I assumed my life would be, I cannot allow everything else to come crashing down.
I do not want to struggle. I do not want to feel like I do right now. I'm not even sure if I am supposed to be feeling like this! Am I being too hard on myself? I really don't like it when Christians are constantly "struggling" with something. And I feel like that is me sometimes. I don't believe Christians need to be struggling constantly. We have all the tools to be free! So why aren't we?
I was listening to talk radio this afternoon and this radio show host was talking about a dream he was having. I was half listening, but then the radio seemed as if it was blaring and all I heard the guy say is this: "If you want to have peace in your life you need to have God as the center". No joke, this was 710AM radio...NOT a christian station, mostly politics and this is what this guy randomly says? Sounds like God wants my attention! So I am going to go now and really seek God tonight...No more messing around!
For the past week, I have had insomnia. I mean just not sleeping. I am exhausted. Every night, I've had these extreme fears hitting me. I always am wondering what would happen if something happened to my kids, what if Zachary is sleeping on his belly and stops breathing, what if someone breaks in? Is the door locked? What do I have to do tomorrow? Are the bills paid? Why did I not eat right tonight? Why have I not blogged? Just to name a few. I mean constant keeping me up at night. It's been a huge struggle and I am wondering what God is doing in this and why I am so not at peace lately. It has been effecting my eating in a huge way. I have either not eaten, or eaten junk. I cannot say I have had a completely healthy meal in about a week and a half. I have only exercised twice this week and both work outs were not the greatest. So here I am again at 12:15am wondering, Why am I so unsettled?
I am about to go spend some time with God and really try to get a breakthrough here. I think I am learning right now that I am having a hard time because I am in a sense regretting my life. I was talking to Josh tonight about my eating habits and just telling him how I am struggling with my sweet tooth. I mean EVERY DAY I want sweets. That is it. He asked me if I have always had that desire and I realized that I only started having a huge sweet tooth after Samuel was born. Insightful a little huh? I realize that I have not forgiven myself for the way my life has gone. This was not MY plan. MY plan was to go to college, have a career, get married at 25 earliest, work and then have kids. Here I am at 24, married, no degree, and 2 kids! Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids..I am desperately in love with them.. I love my husband... And my anniversary is next week. 4 years! I am just seeing that food has seemed to be the only comfort for me. I already knew this. Whenever something in my life doesn't go right, I feel out of control. I get completely out of control in all areas of my life. I think God is trying to show me that when one thing goes wrong or not according to what I assumed my life would be, I cannot allow everything else to come crashing down.
I do not want to struggle. I do not want to feel like I do right now. I'm not even sure if I am supposed to be feeling like this! Am I being too hard on myself? I really don't like it when Christians are constantly "struggling" with something. And I feel like that is me sometimes. I don't believe Christians need to be struggling constantly. We have all the tools to be free! So why aren't we?
I was listening to talk radio this afternoon and this radio show host was talking about a dream he was having. I was half listening, but then the radio seemed as if it was blaring and all I heard the guy say is this: "If you want to have peace in your life you need to have God as the center". No joke, this was 710AM radio...NOT a christian station, mostly politics and this is what this guy randomly says? Sounds like God wants my attention! So I am going to go now and really seek God tonight...No more messing around!
you will be in my prayers, that God will give you an overwhelming sence of peace and security
mmm....i know this an older blog. But I thought I'd comment anyway.
wow. some true honesty there. and it almost brought me to tears. i respect the brokenness. I do believe there's a huge difference between Christians who are clouded by struggles, to Christians who share their struggles. Maybe thats why you get frustrated with the pity parties some of us can have. But the truth is, sometimes you have to allow yourself to be broken, to be desperate. You sound like you are in a desperate place, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Aren't we but ragamuffins without Christ? You are just seeing who you are without Him...and that can be a sobering reality, but we need those in order to stay focused, humble and hungry for more of God.
And the first sign of not trusting God? its when we have no peace. you said it. you had no peace...maybe God want to take you to new levels of trust. Life may have not gone the way you expected, but in trusting God He is still going to do what He promised...he'll finish the good work. When I lose my peace I remember a popular verse in Philippians "whatever is true... noble... right... pure... lovely... admirable... anything excellent or praiseworthy think about such things..." and the best part is the promise afterward "...and the God of peace will be with you."