Journey to Victory

These kids!

2010-07-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I'm hitting a phase that is totally scary with Samuel. I know the right answer, don't be afraid , just pray..I know I know.. But Samuel is now in this phase where he is around other kids and is picking up QUITE the little attitude. Just as an example. The other day, Samuel was outside with two of the neighborhood friends (not crazy about them), and Josh told Samuel to come over to him and what was Samuel's response? "Daddy, be quiet". WHOA.. BACK THAT TRAIN UP. I happened to walk right into the backyard as Samuel said it and I nearly flipped out of my skin. My response as Josh sat there staring in SHOCK that Samuel just said that? "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO YOUR DADDY LIKE THAT. GET IN THE HOUSE NOW." HAHA... Josh stood there motionless for a good few seconds. And the funny part? Samuel right after he said it looked like he had seen a ghost. He knew right away that was the wrong move. Well, after taking care of the problem and having him apologize to daddy and not being allowed outside anymore, Josh and I sat down in a near panic mode. Um. How do we deal with this? Do we let him play with these kids? Is he too much of a follower? AHH AHH?

I do realize that it is with the same kid he plays with that he gets mean. So I guess the logical solution is to not let him play with this kid. Which we are doing. But then we started to feel bad becasue we are friendly with the parents and they are the nicest people ever. Then came up the discussion. Are we willing to possibly offend those parents in order to stop our kid from hanging out with their kid? Or, do we continue to instill in Samuel that being mean is not nice, no matter what anyone else is doing, you be kind? Not quite sure yet. But I did find it funny when Josh sat down and said "Danielle we need to pray. Like now." The panic in his voice made me laugh. Then it dawned on me...If we are panicing over Samuel saying to someone "I don't like you", then what are the teenage years going to be like? Oh goodness. We can't turn around now right? Too late. We are parents. Ah.

Out of these silly experiences, I am learning that I really do need to 100% lean on God regarding my kids. I'm starting to read Raising Boys by James Dobson. So far it is really good. Any other suggestions out there?

Blog..where have you gone?

2010-07-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

Gosh. It has been a while since I've blogged! Craziness. SO MUCH has gone on.

It's been a crazy few months. This year has not be what I expected. Full of enormous, larger than me trials, loss, and genuine confusion! But with that have come some amazing revelations. Mostly I want to blog about what happened this past week at Jessie's brothers funeral.

Ever since January it has been one hardship after another. I have literally felt like I was drowning in anxiety, big decisions to be made, the loss of my grandma which is still proving to be difficult, and every day craziness. The night before I left for David's funeral a few things had occurred that made me really feel like giving up. When I made it to David's funeral to my surprise came the biggest boost of peace I have gotten in a long while. If any of you did not watch the funeral service online should watch it. You can see it at res-life-fellowship.com Look under sermons and look at I believe 6/25. If you don't want to hear the whole thing, listen to the song Jess sang and the word she spoke. One of the things she said that impacted me the most was when she was talkign about when David's best friend passed away and he spent the whole year in his room digging into God to make sense of it all. When she said that I started to sob. Then she really got me when she said that the day after David died, she started really questioning God and walked away for that day. She said that walking away from God that one day was almost worse than losing her brother. When she said that the tears could not be stopped at all. My eyes had been opened. I realized. I have been walking away from God for these past few months. The trials have seemed so much bigger than me that I just neglected my relationship with my daddy God. My unhapiness was largly due to the fact that I was not in relationship with my comforter, my healer, my protector, the lover of my soul, the one who loved me whether I followed Him or not. Wow. And as far as hearing David dig in deep to God during that great time of loss, I realized I had done anything but that. I had let depression creep in and such intense sadness it was deblitating. I have walked around in zombie mode for months.

WELL NO MORE! I am determined to overcome this feeling! I am determined to dig in deep to my daddy God. While it is OK that I grieve, and it is OK that I feel sadness about certain circumstances in my life, I am choosing NOT to live in that grief and sadness. I will overcome. I will dig deep, and I will seek my healer, my protector, the lover of my soul, my comforter. I will succeed and as my sister put it to me this morning "LIVE VICTORIOUSLY!" So stay tuned....

It is well with my soul

2010-02-27T04:51:00.000-08:00

Last night I was driving around getting some last minute things done for my grandma's funeral. I was pretty much running around like a zombie. The past few days have felt debilitating. I have literally been walking around in circles! Anyway, I was driving by myself to go pick up some poster board and on this Christian radio station, It is well with my soul came on. I remember thinking that song was more for when young people die. Weird I guess. The reason why the author of that song wrote it is because his wife and child died and he was distraught and wrote this song. When I heard it, I feel like everything cleared up. It gave me a real peace knowing that everything is going to be OK and it is well with my soul. I am going to keep telling myself that because many times this week I've found myself so angry that this had to happen at all. She had so many years left in her and to have her die the way she did just doesn't seem fair. I always prayed that she would die in her sleep gracefully, not in this painful way in a hospital. Then I began to think, would it really have been better to get a phone call saying she was gone without ANY warning? Even though we only had 2 weeks to get used to the idea, I was so happy to be able to spend time with her. I went to her house with all of my cousins, then I was able to spend the night at her house, and then spend the day at the hospital the day before she died. Those times will be precious to me.

One of the last things she said to me was that she was proud of me and that she loved me. These were words I heard often from my grandma and I will cherish them forever.

Grandma Mazzullo

2010-02-24T06:59:00.000-08:00

Well, last time I posted I wrote that my grandma might have a very serious sickness. Well, she did. Aggressive Pancreatic Cancer. She went in last week to get tested to confirm, we got the confirmation last Wednesday and she died yesterday. Unbelievable. I am so grateful that I was able to spend the whole day Monday with her. She recognized me and gave me a few last bits of wisdom. She told me that in such a faint voice that she was ready. I didn't want to believe it. 2 weeks? By the end of the day that I was with her Monday she was no longer able to speak, she was just staring at the ceiling with such a blank stare. How could this strong, otherwise healthy woman go down so quickly? I am grateful that she did not suffer for a long period of time, but that does not make the pain any less. Last night I stayed up all night thinking of what an impact she had on my life. She lived in New Jersey for a majority of my life. She would come out to New York for recitals, Any kind of party, for the birth of both of my kids, for every baby shower or wedding shower and just to visit. She was superwoman. It Never crossed my mind that maybe one day she wouldn't be here. For the past year or so my family has been preparing for my grandpa to pass because he is 92, starting to lose it a little bit, and he's just fading slowly. Never did I ever even consider my grandma to pass. Up until 2 weeks ago, she was cooking for everyone still! She has left quite an amazing legacy to her kids and grandkids. I can say she showed such a depth of genuine love for me that no other grandparent has ever shown. She really was the most amazing grandma.

Grandma, I miss you already. Who's going to talk to me about what's on sale this week at Shoprite? Who is going to send me anniversary cards on my birthday? Who is going to tell me those naughty jokes? Who is going to make me laugh like you did? I miss you and I love you more than I could have ever expressed. Thank you for all of the knowledge and wisdom you have imparted to me throughout the years. Thank you for loving me even in the hardest circumstances. You were a true example of what a woman should be like. I love you and I am going to miss you terribly. Enjoy heaven. Cook up a storm! I love you.....

Learning to let go...

2010-02-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

Dad and Grandma! She's so tiny!!
Grandma & Grandpa

It has been a hard week. I'll blog a little about it.

This is going to be written so that there can be prayer going on. I remember so many times when people would say their grandma or grandpa died, I would think oh that's sad. But not really sad like a friend died, or a sibling you know what I mean? I mean grandparents, they die..they get old. That's the way it goes.

Well let me tell you about my grandparents. They are 92 and 88. My grandpa (92) is known in my family to be the story teller. He would love nothing more than to sit down with us and tell us stories about his childhood and his brothers and sisters, or about the war, or even fairy tales. The funniest part about the fairy tales is he would mix them all together. Start out with Snow White and end up with Cinderella. It's all the same anyway right? I adore my grandpa. I think he is a man of extreme wisdom. I admire so much about him, but what I admire the most is his total and complete love of his grandkids. Awesome awesome grandpa. My grandpa is a diabetic. He has been for many many years, and just 2 years ago, he starting losing all sight and is now completely blind. I am amazed by him, because even at 92, he is learning how to do new things like get on and off his chair (needs help most times) and is learning how to be completely reliant on others.

This is where my grandma comes in. When you think of a little (I do mean little, around 4'11 to be exact!), naughty , misbehaved Italian grandma, you are picturing my grandma! She is the typical "EAT ALL YOUR FOOD! THERE ARE STARVING KIDS OUT THERE!" Italian. She is so much fun to be around, constantly saying something that makes your jaw drop (that's the naughty part!). And she is truly the highlight of all visits! She is famous for sending us anniversary cards on our birthdays and misspelling our names! She is truly hysterical! She's got that really broken Italian accent and cooks until her fingers fall off! She is truly the main reason why my grandpa is still alive. She gives him his insulin shots every day, takes his blood to check his levels, helps him get up to the bathroom, everything. She does so much. Whenever us kids would go over to her house, I remember the most the smells of the various foods she would cook. She truly is the best cook ever. But along with her hilarious side, she has a serious side. I always loved hearing my grandma's advice about different situations. She is also a very wise woman who would always tell me to forgive those who did me wrong or hurt me because it would only eat me up inside. She is always good for a hug and will chase you around the kitchen with a spoon if you are fresh to her! I have been blessed to have such amazing grandparents.

It has always been assumed that if one of them would go, it would be my grandpa first. He's been sick and is old, and nothign would happen to my grandma. Not her, She's so spunky and acts like a 60 year old! Lately, she hasn't been feeling too well. We noticed extreme weight loss at Christmas. She was getting tired so quickly. Something was/is not right. Without going into detail, my grandma is facing a very serious life-threatening illness. She has not been officially diagnosed yet as ashe is going in for testing on Monday and Tuesday. Something is definitely wrong, and it can either be fixable or not. I am asking for prayer and I will say selfishly. I cannot imagine a holiday or a visit without her. I understand it is God's will that needs to be done, but I am still pleading. My mom is staying with my grandma right now and she has been so strong. I know this is taking a toll on her, so also pray for wisdom on my mom's part. Also for my aunt who is also there. There are so many details that I cannot share right now, but if what they think is wrong is confirmed, I will go more into it. I am praying that a miracle happens. She has so many years left in her.

I am learning so much through this. Specifically about my eating actually. My grandparents have always been healthy eaters, good portions and overall very active. Ever since they were young. They still now live on their own and honestly, have had minimal health problems. I am realizing that if I keep treating my body like garbage, I will not be like them. I can start having health problems early. I am realizing that the quick fix and comfort of foods that are so not good for me is really not worth it in the long run. It's time to take myself seriously. So there it is!

Tonight I am going to visit my grandma in New Jersey. I am excited and anxious to see her!!

Eat this, not that!

2010-02-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else feel completely confused as to what is right to eat? I mean you know the basics, vegetables, fruits, lean proteins, etc. I feel completely confused a lot of the time. I know fruits are good for you but wait, don't eat too much fruit alone because your sugar will shoot up, eat a piece of cheese or some kind of a protein with it..BUT WAIT! Cheese is fattening! Try not to eat it too much.... Yogurt is good for you right? But not Dannon with fruit...too much sugar. Hummus is good for you, but not too much..It just seems there is so much confusion when it comes what is good to eat!

All of this has caused such stress when it comes to eating! I heard someone say, that it is important to be careful how you view food because it is important to not be afraid of food because you can teach your kids those bad habits. I guess I really have to take the time to do my research! But even doing research seems confusing because you can find an opinion on anything! How do you really know who's opinion is closest to the truth?!?

I was laughing at this poster that was hanging at the chiropractor. It said "If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed!" HAHA! I thought that was so funny. But I relate it to food too! I've become so cynical of a lot of the commercials they show on weight loss. I mean really, do these people truly care about people losing weight or do they take the 1 person out of 1000 that actually lost weight on their program and try to fool the American public?

I'm truly convinced that the program that Crystal recommended to me (settingcaptivesfree.com- The Lord's Table) is going to be the key for me. I am only on day 2, but I'm already feeling so comforted and hopeful! I've been on so many of those diets and the truth is, nothing changed! In this program I'm starting to learn to change my priorities and change my motives for weight loss. Turning it from self serving to giving Glory to God in my discipline!

So there it is! Today is going to be a great day. I can feel it!

Marriage

2010-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

My friend Elizabeth, who I deeply respect sent me this book. First off, let me tell you a little bit about her! She is a little bit younger than me, pregnant with her 4th child who is put together and one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. I met her while I was in Oklahoma last year. I was truly amazed that her kids were so well behaved and that she seemed like a picture of what a wife was supposed to be. She was married younger than me, and seems to be a completely content person. When I met her, initially I thought, man...I must be a wreck! She is so relaxed AND her kids are well behaved!! WHERE AM I GOING WRONG!!! **Disclaimer**...I think Samuel is well behaved and because of Elizabeth's example, a lot of discipline was started and changed some of the things Samuel was doing wrong around big time. So thanks Elizabeth!!

Anyway, she recently sent me this book that I've been wanting to read because I've heard so much about it. It's called Created to Be His Help Meet. Now the reason why I am posting this is blog is because of how hard I just laughed at myself and the realization I had. I realized, that I did want to read the book, but the title made me angry! Why would the title make me angry I thought...Then, I read the first chapter and knew right away it was going to be a great book. I started flipping through the rest of the book and I came across this:

The ABCs of being a Help Meet
A. Admit when you are wrong
B. Be positive
C. Cuddle
D. Do it his way
E. Encourage him
F. Fix his breakfast
G. Give back rubs
H. Hug often
I. "I love you" should be said many times daily
J. Joke around in a playful manner
K. Know his needs
L. Listen to him
M. Manage your home well
N. Never hold grudges
O. Open your eyes in the morning and smile
P. Pray for him
Q. Quit nagging him
R. Reminisce about good times
S. Show respect and honor
T. Trust, and earn his trust
U. Understand his need for reverence
V. Vulnerability is a feminine trait; cultivate it
W. Wink at him
X. X is for private times
Y. Yearn to please him
Z. Zealously guard him with your love

Now I am going to be COMPLETELY honest here. I had such a violent reaction to this list (as in a bad one!!). All I translated all of this as was A.) Doormat B.) Doormat C.) Doormat D.) Be a bigger doormat....What is wrong with me!! Then I sat down and really thought. You know, this is the problem with a lot of marriages these days! Exactly my reaction! What is wrong with doing these things? NOTHING! I realize that our society (or at least where I live!) has become so hugely I am woman hear me roar, that we have neglected these things and as a result I believe it is party a reason for the breakdown in marriage these days. Not saying it is all the woman's fault, obviously, but I just wanted to blog and say, I am very interested to see how my attitude changes through reading this book! I'll let you know how it goes! Thoughts anyone?

Partners anyone?

2010-01-28T18:51:00.001-08:00

OK..It is time..It has been time.... I need a weight loss partner. I thought this blog would keep me accountable, but I"M NOT DOING GOOD! Today I went to the OB/GYN **No not pregnant*** just for the annual check up fun stuff, and I got weight *the dread* It's time. I need a partner!

Now that I'm done screaming. I decided to take a Math class at school because I'm not so great at math. Let me tell you something. That was S-T-U-P-I-D. It's a 3 hour class once a week and we are breezing through things that I just can't get a good grasp of. I think the math alone would make it easy for me to say FORGET IT to school. But I know in the end it will be worth it.

I am learning that it is time to de-stress. The stress is starting to effect my body in a lot of ways. My back specifically. I'm having to go to the chiropractor on a regular basis now. Actually is kind of nice, it's a good 20 minutes to myself.

I have to admit, I have not had the time with God that I need to have. Do you ever feel like a day passes you and you wonder , what the heck did I do today?!? God is really speaking to me about getting up early (yes, even if Zachary is sleeping) and spend that alone time with Him. My day needs to begin with God or it seems to go crazy! So that is my goal... To get to bed early, and to get up early! Get some schedule goin here!

This post has been really random...Hmm..Ok..Gonna go!!

This week....

2010-01-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

So this week of implementing the new changes with Samuel has gone amazing! He absolutely loves all of the Christian videos--specifically Veggie Tales (will I regret this?). I'm seeing a change even in his personality. It's not like he was ever mean or anything like that. He has always been across the board a sweet and happy kid. But I just see more of a lightness I guess! I have to say, when God gave him those dimples, he was definitely thinking of me :-) They melt my heart away!

Now as far as Zachary. Well, he is also adorable and melts my heart, but, he threw a tantrum for the first time. I mean looked at me, lost his mind in anger, went on his stomach and kicked and cried..Um.... 9 months? Samuel NEVER threw tantrums. I can only remember 1 time when he did and I just walked over him and ignored it. But he was almost 2 when that happened! What do I do about a 9 month old tantrum? Well, quite honestly I laughed..I thought it was hilarious.

And now a funny Samuel story! He was at school on Thursday and when I went to pick him up his teacher was waiting for me **never a good feeling**. She said Samuel had gotten in trouble because while they were outside, she told him not to play in mud and he went ahead and did it anyway and ruined his shoes. So she said she punished him by not letting him be outside anymore and took his shoes off and told him basically that his punishment was to be inside. So when I put him in the car, I asked him "Samuel, did you not listen to Miss Shannon?" "No momma..I was naughty".. "Samuel, it is important that you listen to your teacher. She is the authority when you are here and it hurts the heart of God when you don't listen and it makes God so happy when you do! You need to say sorry to Miss Shannon and never disobey her again. Do you understand?" "yes momma, I sowwy." OK...So then I started talking to him about the rest of his day and did he have fun and what did he have for snack... And, like every day he comes home from school I say, "Samuel, what was your favorite part of your day?" In all seriousness..... With those big eyes...he says..."The mud.". !!! Oh Lord...And there that goes..Started dying laughing..Oh well...Gotta laugh some times!

As far as my weight and this battle with it. I've been exercising every day faithfully for going on my 3rd week. I have not lost A POUND. I have eaten for the most part good, but I think I need to refine it a little more and maybe cut some foods out. I am finding that I have a hard time eating fruit in the winter, so I started making fruit smoothies again. So delish! Just put some strawberries, bananas, blueberries, and some yogurt and ice in the blender and it tastes yummy! I went to a women's Bible Study and it was all about the thoughts we have towards ourselves and how we need to see ourselves more positively, so I'm just going to enjoy my life right now, no matter what, and pray for help in this frustrating area of my life!! Hope everyone's week is good!

Parenting!

2010-01-19T12:35:00.000-08:00

Who would have ever thought that parenting would be so hard? Just yesterday I was realizing what a HUGE responsibility it was to raise children. You would think this would have hit me, I don't know, 4 years ago. I guess it is fair to say that it has hit me at various points.

So, what brought me to this realization? Well, my darling 4 year old Samuel was in another room when I went to go and check on him and made a VERY VERY fresh remark to the effect of "Mommy get out of here and don't come back until I call you" I had to clean out my ears to make sure I heard him correctly. Did my 4 year old seriously just be that fresh and disrespectful to me? In that 3 seconds before I acted on this remark said to me, these are the feelings I had. Fear rushing through my veins, felt slightly lightheaded as in " OH MY GOSH....Attitude? Wait..NOT YET!", How should I deal with this? OK.. BREATHE DANIELLE. So, when I finally came to, I dealt with it right away and he was less than pleased with his punishment, but I suddenly thought Oh my gosh! Have I been neglecting him in some way that he would come out and be fresh? Is it school? Are Josh and I too sarcastic with each other in front of him (probably)? AHHHH...

This little comment that he made to me really made me think. What am I exposing him to as a kid? Now I can see how that can sound bad. It is not like I'm putting R movies on in front of him, nothing like that. But for all of you moms who have kids around Samuel's age, I'm sure you can relate. You kind of watch whatever you watch or say things or have phone conversations thinking that they really can't understand you. Then when they come out with certain things you begin to realize. It is really time to be careful!

Being confused and upset about another few things that happened that night, I called my mom. I told her basically that I was considering sending my kids back to the baby factory because this was all too scary. Through my conversation I realized things needed to change around here. I realized that I was not incorporating God into our daily lives like I should be. These past 4 years of mommyhood I feel have been all about surviving and growing up myself! I have so much invested in my life thanks to my parents that I guess I didn't realize how important it was that they did that for me! So I got inspired! Little things are goign to change. I'm embarassed to admit, but occasionally I do let Samuel watch Spongebob - which I don't like. I'm going to start balancing out the TV he watches and switch some of it up with Christian DVD's. Also, I realized his love for music! So thanks to Aunt Dawnie, Samuel now has a CD of Christian songs that I have been playing and he LOVES it!! I know it seems small and maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but I guess I just had an AHA moment! I needed to start really getting my walk with God in order so that I can set an example for my son and to stop just surviving motherhood and start enjoying every second including the hard ones!

So here's to new perspectives and interesting 4 year olds!

Oh goodness...Facebook has taken over!

2010-01-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

Every since I joined Facebook I have sadly neglected this blog :-( Really need to try to update more often!

Lets see, what is new...I don't even know what I posted about last! Well Samuel is good. Loving school still. I'm getting into a stage with him that I'll have to blog about at another time, but it's scary. I'm hitting that point as a mom where I'm thinking "Oh my Gosh did I really do this? I'm in trouble!"

Zachary is, well, adorable! He's got a lot of personality and is very curious. And I cannot believe he is almost 9 months! Where has time gone!

Josh is doing OK..going through some difficult times, but he'll survive!

Me, I"M A WRECK! Seriously people. A wreck. I am currently so sleep deprived the smallest problem seems like a massive mountain! I mean I cried over not having an extra can of sauce the other day. Really hitting a low! It is so hard to live here in PA without family! There are some other things going on that I don't really care to go into detail about, but if any of you think of me throughout the day, just throw up a prayer for grace! The weight thing is..well constantly on the mind, always on the back burner. We just joined the YMCA which ahs been really nice! I just completed my first full week of exercising! Ahh feels so nice!

Does anyone else hate winter? I feel so blue during the winter! The other day it briefly got warm and I went outside for a run and actually felt like everything was going to be OK. I was happy! I'm amazed at how many times God needs to remind me to fall back on him! When do we ever learn?

Anyway, I hear my baby crying, so I must go, but hopefully, I will be keeping up.. (where have I heard that before?)

Shees..September?

2009-12-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

Wow..I can't believe the last time I blogged was in September. NOT GOOD. I keep thinking all of you are on facebook, but I think it is important for me to blog!

So what's been new.. Um...Well for starters, Samuel turned 4 last week. Totally amazing. I cannot even believe it! He got his first bike and he has been begging me to ride it every day. Unfortunately, he has been sick on and off for a solid 3 months now so going outside in the freezing cold air is certainly not an option! I guess that is the downside to having a winter birthday! He's talking up a storm finally so that is good and he is absolutely LOVING pre-school! He loves his teacher and really loves his friend "Hangelo" translated, Angelo...

Zachary is a total and complete ham. Way too cute. He's already almost 8 months. Can't believe it! He's crawling, pulling himself up on EVERYTHING and is quite demanding. He's really lucky he is cute! Poor kid has also been sick on and off! It seems that one of them gets better, the other one gets worse. Ugh.GO AWAY SICKNESS!

And as for me. My first semester at college was hugely successful! I really enjoyed it and got A's all across the board! It's totally different going to college older. I find I'm more into it. Love love love it! As for my weight, um...Well, that's another story. Not going well. I keep telling myself I could have been done with my weight loss by now three times over had I just stuck with it. But I guess there is really no point in sounding like a broken record. I know what I need to do and the bottom line is, I just need to do it. We joined the YMCA here and since we have joined, I have been going every day (sometimes twice a day!) so that's been good. I don't see any results, and I realize that it can be up to 8 weeks before you see anything, but I am starting to feel results. So I am just praying for strength to finish. I need to lose at the minimum 3o pounds to be healthy. I can do it and I am prepared to take as long as it takes. I need to just stop obsessing about it and just do it!! So here's to another shot at it!

It's been a while!

2009-09-22T10:35:00.001-07:00

So It has been a LONG WHILE since I've blogged. So much has gone on. Well for starters, we went to LI for 2 weeks after I last blogged. That threw me completely off..The long and short of it, I have not worked out once in over a month and I have gained about 6 pounds now.. (originally 8, but I lost 2) I cannot seem to get back on track. I have started school which is a big undertaking, but I am enjoying it! Samuel has also started pre-school! HE LOVES IT! He talks and talks about "Ms.Shaddon" translation- Ms. Shannon. I've been working with him to remember what his teachers name is so today when I picked him up, I said "Samuel, what is your teacher's name?" He said "Ms. Shaddon. She loves me". HAHA! I LOVE HIM! I also just joined MOPS which is great. I highly encourage anyone who isn't a part of a MOPS group to join. It is so nice to be with other moms and to get encouraged in the Word at the same time.

I have found that this is a challenge for me. I am seeing that the way I look has been keeping me inside. Literally. I notice that I DREAD going to church, or dropping Samuel off, or even going to Long Island because I cannot stand the way I look. I don't like how I feel and I'm sick of going around this mountain. So again, I need to really work on this. I'm going to stop looking at it as a diet. It has to be a way of living.

I am taking a Nutrition class right now in college and I read something very eye opening. It was talking about the difference between "Hunger" and "Appetite". Hunger actually starts in your brain. It shoots a signal down which basically says "EAT". An Appetite also has to do with the mind but in a different way. The book was saying that when you pass by a bakery say, your eye catches that chocolate cake which sends a signal and you may not necessarily be hungry, but you get it because it visually looks good. It said if you walk away and train yourself to do so, change yoru thinking, it will not effect you so badly. So, I thought that was a great way to look at it, so that is how I am going to look at food from now on!

So that is a small update. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with this blog! We shall see :-)

Struggles.....

2009-08-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering for the past WEEK that I haven't blogged, about getting past these struggles. Wondering if for my whole life I am going to have to struggle with my weight.

For the past week, I have had insomnia. I mean just not sleeping. I am exhausted. Every night, I've had these extreme fears hitting me. I always am wondering what would happen if something happened to my kids, what if Zachary is sleeping on his belly and stops breathing, what if someone breaks in? Is the door locked? What do I have to do tomorrow? Are the bills paid? Why did I not eat right tonight? Why have I not blogged? Just to name a few. I mean constant keeping me up at night. It's been a huge struggle and I am wondering what God is doing in this and why I am so not at peace lately. It has been effecting my eating in a huge way. I have either not eaten, or eaten junk. I cannot say I have had a completely healthy meal in about a week and a half. I have only exercised twice this week and both work outs were not the greatest. So here I am again at 12:15am wondering, Why am I so unsettled?

I am about to go spend some time with God and really try to get a breakthrough here. I think I am learning right now that I am having a hard time because I am in a sense regretting my life. I was talking to Josh tonight about my eating habits and just telling him how I am struggling with my sweet tooth. I mean EVERY DAY I want sweets. That is it. He asked me if I have always had that desire and I realized that I only started having a huge sweet tooth after Samuel was born. Insightful a little huh? I realize that I have not forgiven myself for the way my life has gone. This was not MY plan. MY plan was to go to college, have a career, get married at 25 earliest, work and then have kids. Here I am at 24, married, no degree, and 2 kids! Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids..I am desperately in love with them.. I love my husband... And my anniversary is next week. 4 years! I am just seeing that food has seemed to be the only comfort for me. I already knew this. Whenever something in my life doesn't go right, I feel out of control. I get completely out of control in all areas of my life. I think God is trying to show me that when one thing goes wrong or not according to what I assumed my life would be, I cannot allow everything else to come crashing down.

I do not want to struggle. I do not want to feel like I do right now. I'm not even sure if I am supposed to be feeling like this! Am I being too hard on myself? I really don't like it when Christians are constantly "struggling" with something. And I feel like that is me sometimes. I don't believe Christians need to be struggling constantly. We have all the tools to be free! So why aren't we?

I was listening to talk radio this afternoon and this radio show host was talking about a dream he was having. I was half listening, but then the radio seemed as if it was blaring and all I heard the guy say is this: "If you want to have peace in your life you need to have God as the center". No joke, this was 710AM radio...NOT a christian station, mostly politics and this is what this guy randomly says? Sounds like God wants my attention! So I am going to go now and really seek God tonight...No more messing around!

My reason for not blogging....

2009-07-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

Because I have been bad...very bad...But it is ok. I am not going to be so hard on myself. I have to loosen up or I will not get anywhere. I am pretty sure the stress alone is causing me NOT to lose weight..so, I'm not going to think about it. Or try not to at least. I am going to do what I know to do. I am going to eat right and exercise like I usually do. God will have to take care of the rest.

I have decided that I need to incorporate more fish into my diet. I am going to try and eat fish at least twice a week. So the plan as of now, is fish twice a week, chicken three times a week, turkey meat one day a week and then a red meat, whether it be steak or chop meat. So , that is the updated plan!!!

Nothing new really going on around here. I start school on August 26th and I am SOOOO excited. I am taking 4 classes online. It doesn't look like I'll have to physically go to the school at all. Mostly all of the courses I need are online which is working out great for me! Also, I found out that my schooling is covered 100%! Thank you Lord for providing!! I am actually going to receive money for school. Sweet.

My kids are ADORABLE. Every day I am telling you they are melting my heart away. Zachary is much more vocal. He spends the whole day cooing and looking at me as if he has something super important to say. Samuel is VERY VERY mischeivious these days, but it's ok. I've been noticing his eyes lately. He really does have beautiful big eyes and really long dark eyelashes. Pretty goodlookin' kid :-) Not that I am bias or anything :-) Zachary is sleeping wonderfully through the night. He goes to bed at around 9:3o 10:00 and sleeps until 7:35 every morning. LIKE CLOCKWORK he wakes up at 7:35 exactly. I nurse him, he stays up until about 9 and goes back to sleep until 11:30. Amazing. I really think using the binky has a lot to do with it. My sister's baby still doesn't sleep good for her, but she never took the binky. I bet if she had that, she would have slept better. Maybe not :-) She's only the world's cutest little thing!!! You have to hear her.. My sister says in a loud voice "Don't touch!" And you hear her little raspy girly voice say while she's pointing her finger "dunt tuch". AHHH. Makes me want to eat her little face up!!!

So that's the update... Hope everyone in blogworld is great!

Ahh has it been that many days?

2009-07-28T05:05:00.001-07:00

It's been a few yes. A few not so good days! I am getting increasingly frustrated. My weight is NOT BUDGING. NOT AT ALL. My work outs are great, and I'm not feeling as "floppy" for lack of a better word, but I'm also not feeling very comfortable in my clothes. ARGH. On top of everything, Samuel has been well, let's just say A BOY to the max. I mean, if I am not entertaining him every second of the day, he is truly testing my patience.

So this is all a trickle effect. I find that since I'm frustrated about my weight, my apartment is starting to slowly slip which is causing stress. Then of course there is that lovely time of the month..as in paying the bills. Whenever that happens I almost shut down completely. First let me say, I AM SO THANKFUL for Josh's job. Now let me say, we are struggling with this pay. I know it is only for the time being and he will be making more as soon as he passes his levels, but in the mean time, it's been really rough. We took a HUGE pay cut to come here... $10,000 to be exact. On top of starting to pay for insurance through his job, and the bills are not cheaper here in good old Philadelphia. I called around for car insurance only to find out that Philadelphia has one of the nations highest car insurance rates. And boy were they not kidding. One place quoted me for $2000 every 6 months!! WHAT ARE THEY NUTS! Who can afford that these days? I mean we literally drive within a 5 mile radius every day. Except for when we go to NY. Crazy. So for now, I have to keep my current insurance. Ahh the stress.

I'm sure the stress going on right now IS NOT helping with weight loss. I am definitely losing my motivation and I guess my hope. I love my kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I feel like I'm not sure how many kids I want to have if every time after my body goes through this beating. This weight loss can be so daunting. I think I am also too hard on myself. I think I am spending too much time on the computer hoping that by the time I get off, all of the stress will go away. It's not the case at all. So, for now, I need to get off of this computer and clean. Today I go for my placement testing. Yes, I am starting college again! Hooray. I must be crazy. Major scheduling will have to go on this next year!! Anyway, gotta go! Hope everyone is well!

Getting full!

2009-07-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

I followed my eating plan exactly today and I WA S STUFFED by dinner...So I just didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry. Weird. Never thought there would be a point in my life where I wasn't hungry. Funny.

Workout was great. I finally figured out what to do to fit in my regular strength training and training for this 5k. Josh doesn't leave for work until 9:45am. So I have been going running at around 7:30 and then in the evening when he comes home, I go and do my upper body or lower body..Whatever is due on that day. Right now I do cardio Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturday and I alternate doing Upper body and Lower body on Monday Wednesday and Friday and I take Sunday off. So I am just going to add that extra cardio in the mornings on Monday Wednesday and Friday. I think it will work well.

Please pray for Josh by the way. He has been increasingly frustrated with his job which means, you've got it frustrated at home. He has to get a recommendation to pass to the next level in his job and he has been having a tough time getting it. If he doesn't get it in the next 2 weeks that could mean he could lose his job which would be TERRIBLE. So please pray. I am confident that he will get it, and he seems to think so too, but I think his frustration is preventing him from passing. So please pray for him this week! It's vital that he passes. I'll keep you all updated!

So that is it for tonight. Till tomorrow!

Ahhh... Relief...

2009-07-23T07:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my mom, sister, brother and niece came to visit me. It was SO refreshing to see some NORMAL (well, what's normal anyway) familiar faces. I needed that so badly. My niece is an absolute adorable, true girly girl. She's got the attitude and everything. If you jump over to my facebook and look under my new pictures "visit with the fam" You will see her. She absolute lights up my life. She definitely entertains me! We brought her in the pool for the first time. Let's just say, she is less than thrilled with the pool! haha! More like SHE HATED IT. After quite a few minutes of her being in the pool and screaming, she finally would walk around it like a little princess who was truly annoyed. Love her love her love her. Now my sister is having another baby and I cannot wait!!!

So my workouts have been going really well. I am really pushing myself to my limit and I am feeling very strong. I started training for a 5K I want to do in NYC. Anna pointed out that I could probably skip the first 2 weeks of the training schedule and jump right into the 3rd and she was right! I didn't realize that I could actually do it, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm not going to lie though, it is TOUGH. But I am really excited to see my progress.

When it comes to the eating, well I was doing really good until yesterday when my family came. It is not that I am necessarily eating junk, but a lot of starches as of late. That is definitely my downfall. I LOVE starchy food. Some of my favorites are chips, crackers, mashed potatos, and my all time favorite, pasta. All foods I should only being eating in extreme moderation. Ahh.. I decided to remind myself that I was not going to take a free day right now. I think once I get into a healthy weight range it will be ok for me to do that. But in this initial weight loss period, I need to just be a little strict. I still have about 12 pounds to go before I am in a healthy weight range for my height. So until then, bye bye free days. I'm OK with that. Well, let's see if I'm ok with it when I'm having a strong craving. I find that when I keep up with my fruit, I don't crave sugar as much. So I am making sure I am always stocked up on fruit.

So that is the deal. I have had a good couple of days and I'm proud of that! So until tomorrow!!

Thanks Anna!!

2009-07-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Anna for making my page so BEAUTIFUL! I love it! My mom, sister, niece, and brother are coming today! Hooray! I'll post tonight!

Anyone wondering?

2009-07-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

Just wondering if anyone was wondering why I haven't blogged for most of my weekend? Well..here it is...I AM DREADING the confession of the HORRIBLE weekend I have been having. Not only food wise, but life wise. I have had one of those few days where I think I could quite possibly rip my hair out. Samuel has been having multiple, and I mean multiple accidents. I had to finally break down and get him pull ups again. I have seriously been washing his sheets once and twice a day... Until yesterday he decided to skip peeing in bed because now he had pull ups..instead he'd pee on my floor. All you mommies of boys isn't this wonderful? The new toy they have found. Let's see the maximum amount of damage I can cause mentally on my mother. Let's see how many bottles of detergent she can go through? Wonder if she is getting tired of my room smelling like pee and vinegar? I love Samuel, I do, he's just driving me a bit crazy. And I LOVE the suggestion my mom made...First off, I love you mom. She said "maybe he needs more attention?" WHAT. I have to glue my eyes on his body to give him more attention... I'm at a complete loss.

Another thing that has been going on is the reality of the fact that my grandparents are getting old. Well, really old. My grandpa is 92 and my grandma is 88. Let me tell you, my mom's parents have been the best grandparents anyone could ask for. They have always lived in New Jersey, but, let me tell you, it was always clear that they were always there for us. My grandma is a little old Italian lady with a THICK accent. She is wonderful. She has such pearls of wisdom even through her sometimes gross comments. My grandpa was always kind of a silent strength to me. My grandpa could definitely tell a good story, but for the most part, he would sit and just seem to observe. When he started talking though, be sure you were ready to sit for a while! But I realized, as a kid sometimes I would think this was annoying, but my grandpa has so much to offer. My grandparents to me are the example of what kind of a married couple I'd like to be. They bicker yes, which is very funny, but, for the past I think it's been about 40 years, my grandpa has had diabetes. My grandmother has taken such amazing care of him I mean I am sure he would not be alive today if he didn't have her. He has just recently gone completely blind and he is starting to lose it a little bit. He seems more confused. He just was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It's in the very early stages and it can progress very slowly, so it is likely that he will die of old age before he dies of prostate cancer. I was talking to my grandma yesterday and she was crying saying she wasn't ready to lose him. She didn't want to lose him. I cannot describe the bond they have. I remember one time my grandma had a procedure done and for some reason, I think she was gone over night. We were at my aunts house and my grandpa was miserable without her. As soon as she came home he went right up to her and gave her a hug and she hugged him and they both said "I missed you! Are you ok!". It made my heart want to explode. Here they are, these two people who have spent most of their lives together still loving each other after all of these years. I guess where I am going with this is their love for each other and their love for us grandkids is unlike any love I have really seen. I am not ready to lose my grandparents and I want to be able to spend as much time as I can with them. They have been huge icons in my life and I cannot imagine my life without them. When I hear my grandpa start to get confused, or I see my grandma start to get tired quicker than she used to, it gives me some sort of a reality check. They are getting to the end of their lives. It's not easy to think about. I am just sad I guess. I want my grandparents around forever. They mean a whole lot to me.

Ok now I'm crying... So this has been kind of a sad couple of days for me.. I think I am overwhelmed right now. It's a lot of work to be home with both kids and in a whole other state . I am starting to feel it a bit. I also am having a hard time connecting with people here. I am not sure how to make friends with young couples. I am emotional right now..I think I should probably just go to sleep and I will feel better in the morning. I am going to go for a walk with my ipod and worship music on.. I need to just clear my head I guess...

Oh ya, and eating...well.... whatever... haha!

Deep Cleaning

2009-07-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with my eating. Not that I'm necessarily eating bad things, I'm just not eating. I have found myself so busy that I suddenly feel dizzy an sick and then I think "Oh I forgot to eat!". So , I decided I need to get myself back on track. So how did I do that? I decided to deep clean my apartment. I don't have any excuse not to make my food except laziness. My apartment is spotless, my bills are paid, and I can completely focus on my eating now. Or should I?

I was watching Rachel Ray the other day and they had a doctor on that specializes in eating disorders. She was saying that as a society today, we are so obsessed with food and we are going to continue to pass it on if we don't realize the facts. She says, the fact is, everything in moderation is not bad! She said this is the best way to put it. Imagine you are making cookies with your kid. The cookies are done and you are looking at the cookies like they are the devil. You tell your child "don't worry, you can have a cookie, mommy just won't have one" That child is going to start thinking there is something horribly wrong with that cookie. So her advice was, there are foods that you shouldn't eat every day ie. Fast food, cookies, cakes, simple carbs etc, but those are not completely off limits. If you teach your child each day how to eat basically healthy, they won't struggle as much when they are older. So RELAX! So I decided to take her advice. I am going to relax. I am still going to not have any sweets or things like that in my apartment. I never really have and quite honestly, they are expensive. But every once in a while, Samuel will be OK having some of that stuff. I don't want him growing up to think food is the devil. Food historically is meant to be enjoyed. Most get togethers back in the day took place around a banquet. Food is meant to be enjoyed!!! Not hated!! So, I am going to thorouly enjoy my healthy food!!

I need to go get my baby now...he is quite mad at Josh right now...Until later!!

Som pics...

2009-07-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Scorcher today!

2009-07-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

It's really warm out today and according to the forecast, looks like it is going to be the last nice day for a little while because I guess the rain misses us.. So, I have to make this short so that I can clean my kitchen and get out by noon to the pool * not that it will take that long to clean my kitchen, I only have 1 pan to clean *. I also forgot to make Josh lunch, so I've gotta do that!

I have had a hard time getting back on track ever since that free day. Not good. I still feel slightly sick for some reason. It's probably because I haven't slept a lot in the past few days. Zachary is such a good boy and is sleeping through the night which is wonderful. He has been for about 3 weeks. He sleeps more than Samuel at this point. Samuel for some reason keeps having accidents over night. I'm thinking of putting pull ups on him at night again. I don't know if he'll do it. I tried putting a pull up on him a couple of weeks ago and he wanted nothing to do with it. He said to me "I not a baby, I am a big boy!". Awww...

Also, Samuel has been picked on quite a bit at the pool by some of these nasty kids! I never have felt an urge to hit a child , but when the pick on Samuel, the urge is very strong and present! One kid, Lord help me, I yelled at. This was insane. First off he kept saying "Spanish people should be shot" OH MY GOSH! Then, Samuel was playing with one of his buckets and he had Samuels water gun. Him and his stupid little friend decided they wanted to bucket. Samuel was laughing because they were chasing him- he thought for fun. Well basically they cornered him in the pool and started squirting water in his mouth and nose. I RAN over there and almost ripped those kids faces off. I started yelling because I got nervous. The father ran over and said to me "why are you yelling? They were just having fun" to which I replied "Picking on my son and squirting water up his nose and in his mouth at the same time is fun?!?!? NO. THAT COULD KILL HIM" Basically the lifeguard came over and kicked the kids and the father out of the pool because that was apparantly the third time that day they had picked on a kid and they were in the kids pool even though they were something like 8 or 9. I don't know how to deal with that stuff? I guess at this age you talk to the parents?

Samuel is really a good boy. He doesn't even realize they are being mean to him. He just smiles and walks away. It makes me so sad. I don't know what to do!! Any advice?

Anyway, hopefully today will be a good day! Gotta go grab some breakfast!

Tough day...

2009-07-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've had a tough day today. Last night I ended up sleeping for a grand total of about 3 hours. I had parked in a no parking spot in my court because the nearest parking spot was literally a half a mile away- no was at midnight was I walking by myself back to the apartment. So, I confess, I parked illegally *Sarah don't tell KYLE!*. I thought it was worth the risk because the ticket is only $10, but I was so nervous that maybe they would tow my car or something that I kept waking up every half hour. Guess it doesn't pay to break the law. Then on top of it, Samuel had an accident in his bed, Zachary woke up REALLY EARLY then Samuel was up for the count at 5:30am...eeeekkkk... So needless to say today was a sleepy day and I have felt horribly sick all day and eating has not been an option. Whenever I don't sleep I get sick. Josh let me take a long nap tonight and Samuel unfortunately fell asleep with me, so now here we are at 11:30 both up and Zachary is sleeping. Not a good scenario. Oh well, what's sleep anyway? Not important I guess.

I actually am going to go watch Dumbo with Samuel right now, he's never seen it and seeing that we are going to be up for a while, I thought it would be nice! So I'll blog more tomorrow!

My Weekend....

2009-07-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

Eating wise, I did not so great this weekend. I think a free day is out of the question for me until I get a better grip on this eating thing. It kinda sent me into a spiral out of control mode. It's ok, tomorrow is a new day.

Something is bothering me tonight and maybe I shouldn't be blogging while I'm still angry, but whatever. You girls (I think all girls read this?) are cool for me to let loose a bit. So tonight I picked out a STUPID STUPID movie to watch. I won't even name it because I don't want to endorse it whatsoever. But basically it is the typical male objectifying woman blah blah blah and then at the end, he turns into this "good guy" and gets the girl. Whatever. This is what makes me upset. I see that my eating has a lot to do with movies like that also. It is a CONSTANT reminder when you watch these movies with "a perfect girl" there. Your typical runs 3 miles every morning at 5am, beautiful hair, beautiful teeth, beautiful everything. Translated- NOT REALISTIC. Then you have all of these guys who in the movie are OPENLY objectifying these kinds of girls. I feel very insecure when it comes to movies like this for 2 reasons. 1. I feel like I WISH I could look like these girls ( a little highschool no?) and 2. They always look so happy. Now I know I am supposed to tell myself "this is a movie, this is Hollywood" but for some reason, my brain doesn't go there. This all probably does not make sense because I don't want to let out too much but basically, I feel, 2 things again. Why on EARTH are guys OK with being portrayed like this? and also how on earth are guys supposed to stay pure and on the straight an narrow and happy with their wives if these kinds of things are always being flashed all over TV & Movies? I mean in this movie, now this may give it away, this guy actually made fun of a lady who had just had a baby. I'm not going to lie, I did laugh at the line. He made a reference to her weight (not funny) but the lady turned around and said "Excuse me I just had a baby"(not funny yet) And then the guy said "Well the baby must have been delicious because it looks like you swallowed it" Did laugh a little bit because of the way it was said. Anyway, my point is, Even though it is supposed to be funny, it kind of reinforces in my mind the idea that after you have a baby that is it. You are no longer attractive, you never will be, you are now "a mom". Well, I'd just like to say right now that I AM NOT buying into that, yes I am a "Mom" and it is the greatest job anyone can have. And I will not raise my boys to EVER act like that. And if I ever have daughters, I will teach them to respect themselves and not objectify themselves like these stupid girls on TV! Ahhh..I am so angry right now..and tired..it is 2:00am and I am still up. Why. My baby is sleeping.

On a happier note, my baby boy giggled for the first time today. That just makes everything all better. I am going to go spend time with the Lord right now until I fall asleep. I think we need some one on one time.. So till tomorrow, my rant is over...

My Free Day!

2009-07-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

So today is my free day because I've done pretty good for the week. So, for my fee meal, I had hot wings and blue cheese..OH MY GOODNESS was it good, but I'm not going to lie, I feel slightly sick. Eh, I guess it happens.

So I watched this STUPID movie tonight. It is called The Knowing with Nicholas Cage- My husband likes to make me watch movies that make me think the end of the world is coming and that aliens are real. Just so you know, I am completely freaked out, it is 1:30 in the morning and I am going to have to think of some way to get back at my husband for telling me that this was a movie about a love story....So I'll let you know how it goes....Pray for him, he's going to need it.

Thanks...

2009-07-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks Susie & Stephanie for the advice. I am going to take both. I think for the moment I am going to stop weighing myself and use a pair of pants to gauge how I am doing. I feel a lot stronger and I feel less flabby for lack of a better word (eww..I really don't like that word actually). I was able to run straight for almost a mile- that is a BIG deal for me. I usually run a few feet stop, run again. I realized I have to stop worrying so much about how fast I run. If I run slow and steady, that will build up my endurance and then I can work on speed. So I took it slow, felt my heart rate go up, and broke a little sweat :-) There is also a part of my complex that has some stairs so I ran up and down the stairs a few times..BURN BABY BURN... I'm worried about my stomach a bit. It got SOOO stretched out, I'm wondering if the skin will ever bounce back completely. But, I have to keep in mind, that I have been only faithfully working out for 2 weeks. I have a lot more weeks before I see TRUE differences. So I am going to be patient, not get discouraged and just keep on going!!! Tomorrow is going to be a good test. I have to bring Zachary for his 2 month check up in New Jersey (I really need to find a pediatrician here in PA), so I have to make sure I eat right before I leave and wait to eat when I get home (It is about 40 minutes away). NO STOPPING! So I have to get myself organized tomorrow morning, up early, shower early, lunch early for Samuel... I can do this!!!

Feeling stronger!

2009-07-09T05:48:00.001-07:00

Another great day yesterday. I am starting to feel stronger from the exercise I am doing. I'm not quite seeing the results yet, but I am feeling it. I am having a problem with my weight though. I am eating good and exercising and I am stuck at the same weight. Not budging an ounce..even at the end of the night. It's a new scale, so I don't think that's the problem. I think I might not be eating enough because I am exercising and nursing. Hmm...Ironic, trying to lose weight and I need to eat more. Any suggestions?

Day I believe 9...haha!

2009-07-07T20:41:00.001-07:00

So today is a new day... I did GREAT. Completely stayed on track had an amazing workout, just an overall good day. It felt good..I am so tired, so this isn't going to be so long.

I noticed why America is so unhealthy. I think part of the reason is that if you don't have a lot of money, it is hard to buy good foods like fresh veggies and fruit. I am working on a limited budget for the time being (waiting for Josh's raise! Please pray!) and I am finding it incredibly hard to stay within my budget. In my case though, it is not an option. I will sacrifice somewhere else rather than not buying fresh fruits and vegetables. I want my kids used to eating good healthy food. All of the quick easy food is cheaper and WAY unhealthy for you. Hmm.. Not so good.

So there is my rant on prices of food. But I do have to keep in mind that this shopping trip I needed things you usually don't need every shopping trip...I ran out of dishwasher detergent, peanut butter, mayo, olive oil, spices...That will ring up your bill... So I guess if I take those things out, maybe I have a shot of staying in budget? I also bought a few chickens because they were on sale and I usually can get about 3 meals out of those Perdue Oven Stuffers..Love them..

Speaking of, it is 11:45pm and I need to go cook my lunch for tomorrow. I am having Cilantro Chicken burritos..yummmyyyy!! Until tomorrow!

Day 7

2009-07-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

Definition of today? It's a crapshoot....enough said...haha... Doing better tomorrow!

Day 6

2009-07-05T05:20:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I didn't post, so today I'll have to post twice. Yesterday was an OK day. I went to the gym yesterday morning and I got a GREAT workout in. I went with my sister Victoria. It always helps when you have someone to work out with. I realized that the stability ball increases my workouts. I also went up to higher weights yesterday. With the work outs you do with each exercise, a set of 12, 10, 8, &6, take a 1 minute break then do 2 sets of 12 back to back. The last set of 12 you change up the exercise. And when you are you doing the first set of 12, 10, 8, 6 you increase the weight each time, then with the two sets of twelve you decrease the weight. So usually, I start out with a set of 8lb, 10lb, 12lb, 15lb, then the last to sets of 12 I do with a 10lb weight usually. I started out with a 3lb weight..haha..pathetic..but I have worked my way up.

In the eating department, I was successful at eating just chicken at the BBQ. They also had some cucumbers with onions (MMMMM) so I had that and some beans. Not bad... I did eat a brownie :-( and some chips. They were organic and baked though, so not terrible. I think I didn't eat enough again. I really need to make sure I'm eating enough calories with the nursing and exercising, or I will not lose weight at all.

I have definitely pin pointed when I start to eat wrong. it is definitely when something is going wrong or I am feeling bad about myself. Yesterday I had a situation come up and I was VERY emotional. I found myself wanting to go out and eat or do something to make myself feel better. I successfully stayed in my mom room and just prayed. I was not going to allow myself to go down that road. I have to admit, it was such an uncomfortable feeling to deny myself the food. I really took such comfort in it. It was my "safe place". I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so uncomfortable! Even praying through it was not comfortable. It was literally making me cry. I felt so almost scared or something. It was really weird. It almost felt like an out of body experience. I felt that I had to really take control of my thoughts and my mind. My mind went into this crazy spiral of thoughts. Just totally out of control. So after a few minutes of this crazy battle going on in me, I came out of it. I made it.

So there it is. Another day passed. Almost at a full week! Today is church, and time to go home :-( It's been a good time here in Long Island. I love being surrounded by my family and by my old neighborhood. But, it's time to get back home :-( I'm ready though. I'll have to blog again tonight about today, so until later!!

Day 5

2009-07-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

So do you know how I ended my last post? "Tomorrow I will do better". SO LIED. Today was a bomb...It is really hard to stay on track when I am not home. I totally skipped breakfast (because my husband is AWESOME and let me sleep in), went out to Robinson's Tea Room which was AWESOME, didn't eat unhealthy there. Then went to my in laws house..and I should just accept the fact that there is nothing they can make that will be good for me , because it is SO DELICIOUS. I'm telling you, my sister in law can cook. She makes some amazing Spanish rice. Oh my gosh it is so good. She puts sausage in it and they made steak also with corn. I have to watch it with the red meats because my Cholesterol is high, but I didn't have a choice tonight. So I ate that and I havent eaten anything else. Not good..I have to get my metabolism going.

I've made my mind up that tomorrow at the BBQ I am sticking to chicken. No hamburger or hot dogs.

So here is a good thing. Josh wanted some iced tea mix and it was 9:40 and Wal-Mart closes at 10:00, so I asked my brother David "Hey you want to run there?" So he was like sure let's do it! So we ran (actually walked, ran, walked , ran) to Walmart and made it at 5 minutes to 10..WHEWW! What a beautiful night to run. The moon was huge in the sky and I was having great conversation with my brother.

So here is to another day. Another day of complete honesty about myself and a day in my opinion was not very successful. But it is ok, I know that the fact that I am even trying, that is a big deal. So Thank you Lord for helping me!!

Day 4

2009-07-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today was not the best day. I did not do good. I didn't exercise, and didn't eat as well as I should have.

Today, we decided to surprise my family by showing up in Long Island 2 days earlier than they thought. We were supposed to come out Saturday morning, but Josh got off of work on Friday, and he was able to get out early today! But man oh man was that a HORRIBLE ride. We sat in 2 1/2 hours traffic. STRAIGHT. No break in traffic. It only takes 2 1/2 hours to GET here from our apartment. So frustrating.

I had to actively be positive to myself today. And I have to realize that I have only been at this for a week. I am expecting changes right away. I am not seeing or feeling a change yet. I feel better emotionally and mentally I think, but physically, not feeling much different.. This is a true test for me this weekend. I'm sure there is going to be plenty of AMAZING food, but I am in control. I don't need to splurge. So, still going here....

So that was my day. I can do better tomorrow.

Day 3

2009-07-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

Another successful day. Not as successful as I'd hoped. I did miss a meal today because I was at the pool for 4 hours. Sheesh. I did pick up a tan :-) I was reading my Fitness magazine and I just happened to stumble on an article about the way you see yourself. It was saying that in a study, women who were hung up on their bodies lost less weight than confident women. They said to walk around the house in "your birthday suit" (With no one around) and that will help make you feel more confident. SO NOT DOING THAT. They are crazy. Even when I was in shape (roomates can attest to this) I did not do that. Eww.. Anyway. Moving on. But they said to replace your negative thoughts with something positive. So instead of saying "my stomach is disgusting" think "Well, this stomach gave me 2 beautiful children that I adore" and eventually your mind will start to believe what you are saying. So, that is my goal for the next day. Every time I have a negative thought of myself, I will say "NO!" and replace it with something positive.

I highly recommend that magazine by the way. It is full of great things. GREAT recipes that I would love to try, and lots of exercises that you can do at home.

They also suggest not stepping on a scale as much. They say use a piece of clothing to determine your weight loss. So I have picked out pants that are - lets say - less than flattering? This week I am setting a goal for myself. 2 pounds. Will let you know how that goes!!

Day 2

2009-06-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

So, completed another full day snack free. Not easy, I think I'm heading into mood swing heaven. HAHA! It's ok, it will all work out.

Last night after I posted that post, it dawned on me when I read the part about saying no to myself with the donut? Sounds stupid I know, but it is not about that donut. It is not about the junk food. It is about saying no to ME. To my FLESH..To my rebellious side. For as long as I can remember *and my parents can remember..sorry guys* I have always had this rebellious side that would always come out. I can remember many times thinking to myself "Is this really worth the consequences? Absolutely. Who cares." My whole life I have done whatever comes to my head regardless of what the consequence may be. So although I thought this was all about food, I think God is dealing with my rebellious side.

Today was a true example of it. I find that whenever Josh and I have a "discussion" *interpreted meaning: disagreement* I tend to go out and get snacks. YOu know why I would? Now I cannot believe I am ACTUALLY admitting this, but Josh H-A-T-E-S spending money on junk food. He would much rather snack on fruits then eat a candy or snacky food. So he gets so annoyed when we are tight right now adn money is spent on junk. So I really think that when I would be mad at Josh, I would turn around and in my mind "punish him without him knowing" by buying junk food. Sheesh..And who was I really punishing? ME! Haha.. Anyway..So there is my revelation...I am feeling better and better each day. Time to go to bed... Goodnight all!!

Actually I am going to watch Scare Tactics right now..HILARIOUS!

Day 1

2009-06-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

So today I have officially completed my first day of conquering this eating thing. And I must say, I did pretty good. I was able to say no to myself when temptations came and stick to it. It's funny how some things work out. I went to the gym tonight and I was talking to a lady there and she was STICK THIN and she was saying, "I can't stand this little tummy I still have from my kid". It made me realize that even the most perfect looking lady can feel insecure about herself. It really is I think about perception. In my view, she looks amazing, in her view she looks terrible. How ironic.

Today I went to the store with my son. He wanted a donut from the store. He was such a good boy, I decided I would get it for him. Now let me tell you, it was a HUGE accomplishment to not get myself something for myself. I had all kinds of thoughts and trying to rationalize why it was OK for me to have a donut. I kept saying, well I'm going to exercise, Well, I just don't care! I've been doing so good all day, why not reward myself, and then finally, I just said NO! Danielle NO! You cannot have that because YOU DON'T WANT IT. And I gave Samuel his donut, walked away and didn't have a donut, a bite of Samuels, a crumb from Samuels. Nada. big accomplishment for me!

I was talking to a friend today, and she was saying about how all day her weight is on her mind. When she gets dressed, with every food put in her mouth, with ever glance in the mirror. It's so funny because when she said that, I realized how obsessive this can be. I do the same thing. With every pair of jeans I put on, it is a little tighter, everytime I look in the mirror I grab my love handles. Every time I put something in my mouth I literally imagine what the food is doing to my insides. Crazy. I have decided that every time I think about my weight, I am going to say something positive to myself. I need some positive reinforcement from myself!! So, that is what I learned today. Thank you to that friend who opened my eyes to it.

Enough is Enough....

2009-06-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

So here it is..Here is where I am at..

So I've decided to tackle my eating problem..As in, I eat to much! haha! But seriously, I'm sure there are millions of mother's out there identifying with the struggle to get in shape after baby. I find a lot of mothers resolve themselves to "this is my new body, get used to it". Well, I don't think it has to be this way. And for me, it is more than getting into shape. It is more than an ideal weight... It is about becoming healthy. So, I'm going to blog about my journey to becoming healthy.

So here is a little background. Growing up I never had to watch what I ate. I could eat pretty much anything and not gain a pound. I always was very self conscious about my weight from a very young age. It all started from 2 things. First, my grandma used to say to me "You have your father's bone structure. You are going to be heavy if you don't watch it" That was at age 8. At age 10, I was a mother's helper and we stopped to get pizza. I asked to get 2 slices and the mother said "Oh my God are you serious? You are a pig.. I don't even eat 2 pieces". I was MORTIFIED. If anyone knows about my dad, he has struggled with his weight for as long as I can remember. I adore my father and he is my biggest fan and I really couldn't ask for a better father, so I am in no way blaming him for anything. Anyway, ever since then, I struggled from time to time with eating. Right before I left for college, I got really sick with a kidney infection. I lost a lot of weight and you could literally see my ribs. I remember thinking to myself "Wow...this doesn't look so bad". Terrible. As soon as I got to college, I gained the weight back and was at a healthy weight. Then I had Samuel. My body went into total havoc. Not only did I start emotionally eating, but I started realizing that I could no longer eat whatever I wanted. This made me even more upset which ironically made me eat more! I was at my heaviest a couple of months after Samuel, that is until Zachary came along. When I found out I was pregnant with Zachary I vowed to not gain a lot of weight and What did I do? I gained 51 pounds! 20 pounds more than I gained with Samuel and that was starting from 15 pounds heavier from a healthy weight.... Ahhh...

I have tried every diet, I have exercised, not faithfully. All this comes to the fact that I now realize, it is more than dieting. it is more than just aimlessly exercising. I did Body For Life last year and it worked WONDERS. But the change didn't stick. It's because I had the mindset "Oh once I get into shape I'll be able to eat whatever I want again". Wrong. So after much prayer and God speaking to me a lot about my weight and generational curses, I have decided enough is enough. I found myself constantly going out and buying food like McDonalds, Dunkin Donuts, Wendy's.. Anything unhealthy and as I would order it, I would not even really want it, but I would still eat it. So I asked God what the deal was. He spoke to me about being honest with myself. I honestly resigned myself to the fact that I would never follow through with anything and never be healthy. I always said to myself "I'll start again tomorrow..." Well, no more. I need to get healthy. I am currently according to my height, considered overweight. I know I am not healthy because I am constantly tired and sluggish. This is NOT because of Zachary. He has been sleeping 8 hours through the night for a while now. I am sure I am tired just from being a mommy, but I know I can do better.

So, this time, with God's help, I am going to once and for all conquer this hold food seems to have over my life. I know I can't do it on my own or in my own strength, I know I'll have hard days, and I know I"ll have good days. So I am facing it head on and I am going to blog about it so that I can see the journey and the breakthrough I am going to have! So please, pray for me as I do this. So there it is!! Until next time!

My beautiful baby!

2009-06-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

See this beautiful baby? I love him :-)

Meltdowns...

2009-06-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

So, I have had my first taste of both kids having a meltdown at the same time. So how do you deal with two kids melting down with just one parent? I have a massive headache, but at least all is calm finally here. ha ha!

Not to much has been going on lately here. We are still actively looking for a church in PA. It's a little tough. WE are finding that either the worship is really awesome and the message stinks, or the message is awesome and the worship stinks! Haven't found that happy medium yet. Tomorrow we are going to a Elim affiliated church about 15 minutes away. I'm excited to see how that church is! It is a big church, so I'm not sure how we will adjust. We are used to going to churches that have no more than 60 people in them! So we shall see.

I am finding that I have been incredibly cranky lately. It's OK I guess, I'm tired. I am really frustrated actually. This week we started Body for life again. It has not been easy for me at all. We are supposed to eat 6 times a day, and I think my kids are sabotaging me. My biggest problem is lunch actually. By the time I go to make myself a sandwich, Zachary starts crying, I calm him down then Samuel goes potty, then Zachary starts crying again and next thing I know, it is 2 hours later and I've missed my meal. Argh.. I need to prepare better the night before I guess. I am doing really well though with keeping up with cleaning, laundry, and the kids. I have myself in a nice little routine right now.

I am in the midst of finding Pre-schools for Samuel. I think I have found one that is nice. I have an appointment on Tuesday to do a walk-through. I still want to homeschool, but Josh isn't sold on the idea yet...Still praying. I have been doing some Pre-school things with him though and he LOVES it.

Zachary is so adorable. He is the chubbiest little baby. I cannot believe how much bigger he is than Samuel! Samuel is adjusting really well to the baby. He is constantly kissing him, putting the binky in his mouth, wants to hold him..It's absolutely adorable. He is a really good big brother!!

Josh is doing well. Working and studying quite a bit! Nothing new there.

Oh ya, I wanted opinions... I have an opportunity to start school again on June 30th. I have signed up, but I'm kinda torn on whether to start or not. The school I will be going to is completely online. It does 1 class every 5 weeks, so at no point are you ever doing more than 1 class at a time which I think is great. However, I am torn because I really do not want to take any time away from my kids. I also really want to get my degree. I do know that I won't be using it for quite some time if ever, but I just feel that it is so important to me to finish my degree. So I'm not sure what to do!!! Pray for me!!!

So that is it. Nothing exciting going on here! Hope everyone is well!

He's 4 weeks!! Aww..my baby...

2009-05-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a while!

2009-05-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm finding that because of my facebook, I hardly update this blog! I think I need to keep updating it because I can write out and maybe vent a bit on the blog!

So everything is still going ok here. I am finding that I am starting to feel a tiny bit (ALOT) overwhelmed lately. I'm sure it's just my body re adjusting and ME adjusting to having two kids. Zachary is a good baby. He sleeps well and hardly cries. Samuel is doing ok. Unfortunately he keeps getting in trouble and seems to be in time out quite a bit lately which is making me feel HORRIBLY guilty. I think I need to make a time each day where it is just me and Samuel time. How the heck do you balance this? I'm finding myself a little at a loss as to what to do.

As for me I think I'm getting a little blue. I keep feeling like I'm going to lose it to be honest! And I don't know exactly over what. Zachary isn't a bad baby, and Samuel is not bad, I think I'm just tired and wanting to juggle everything just perfectly. I think I need to just accept that I cannot do everything at once and I need to just relax. It's hard to do when I'm tired, and unfortunately, everyone around me seems to be paying for my anxiety. I don't want to be a grumpy mom and wife, but I'm really having a hard time!! Any suggestions anyone?

We are in Long Island!

2009-05-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

So we came back to Long Island last night. We are here for 2 weeks because Josh has the military. I am so happy and excited. I didn't realize how much I missed Long Island until I got here!

Samuel has finally warmed up to Zachary. He gives him kisses and is always rubbing his hair and covering him with blankets when he is in his bouncer (a tiny bit unnerving!) We are having a problem with Samuel & potty training again. He has had a few accidents, but I hear that is not uncommon when a new baby arrives! It's ok..We'll work out these kinks.

Zachary is doing great. He is an absolute doll. He is still a little jaundice, but it's going away. Last night I got pooped on for the first time. Lovely. It's always nice to be pooped on at 5am when you are half awake. He does pretty good with sleeping. I am seeing that he goes to bed at about 1am wakes up at 4-5 and then sleeps until 9:15. Not so bad! Nursing is going really well. He is really content and is happy to sit in his swing for hours at a time!

As for me, I feel great. I really do. I would take being exhausted any day over being pregnant. I have lost 28 pounds already (must have been retaining a lot of water). I still have a way to go to get to my ideal weight, but I'm not worried about it. I've got a beautiful son to show for it. Victoria stayed with us for the whole week. What a huge help. I'm serious. She did so much for us! It was funny though because we all were like a bunch of zombies the whole week. And we discovered that Zachary doesn't have a fussy time, but I do. It is from dinner time until about 8:00pm. So basically, be very kind for those 2 hours. I do recognize it though and I am trying my best to relax and not get hormonal!! haha1

Just a random thought. Imagination Movers is on TV. What makes 4 grown men go on TV and look like weird fools? Must get paid a lot of money.

And as for Josh! Josh is doing great! I must say he is an amazing father. A true natural. He is so cute to watch with Zachary now. I can see that we are both so much more comfortable with Zachary then we were with Samuel. We were so nervous with him!! Josh always hugs Zachary and just sighs and says "I LOVE HIM!" So cute... His job is going really well and they are really working with him a lot. So everything is going great!!

Ok, I have to go drive Victoria to soccer! Later!!

Zachary's birth story :-)

2009-05-03T16:33:00.001-07:00

So, I have a minute. Wow. I cannot tell you how happy I am right now. I think it is absolutely amazing what women are able to do in giving birth to babies. Amazing.

So here it is! I went to the hospital to be induced (talk about COMPLETELY nervous). I got there at about 8:30 and they started the pitocin (spelling?) at about 9:00. By 11:00 I was feeling slight pain, but nothing really different from what I had been feeling, but I was really excited because when they checked me, I was 3cm before I was induced. That means I had dilated 2 cm in 2 days. I was really happy about that. I was getting nervous because I really wasn't feeling the intense pain I felt with Samuel (weird right?) I thought maybe the medicine wasn't working and that maybe the baby wasn't ready. But sure enough, by 12,started feeling pretty crappy!! But I was doing well, and I was really trying NOT to use any kind of drugs. By 3pm it got REALLY intense. I took Susie's advice and tried to exercise ball. It worked for a little while, but then I just felt like I couldn't take the pain anymore. So by 4, I was begging for the epidural. The nurse I had was really great and was really trying to encourage me to NOT take the drugs. But at that point, I got checked and I was only 4-5cm and I had been there for a while. So I did ultimately decide to get the epidural. I SWORE the nurse was sabatoging me because the anesthesiologist didn't come in until 5:15...ahhhh..That was the longest hour of my life. I felt myself getting scared everytime I felt a contraction coming on because I wasn't sure I could make it through them!

When the anesthesiologist came in, I just turned to him and said "I don't need to sign anything, just give me the epidural AND NOW." He kinda said Ok then....just scribble your name here? IN A VERY aggrivated way, I did it. The epidural was started and I felt nothing on one side. Turns out he didn't put it in even enough so he had to kind of "jiggle" it around in there. After a half hour it still wasn't working the way it should have and he had pumped SO much medicine into me to try to get it work, I felt NOTHING on my right side. I finally got comfortable enough to sleep. I woke up about 2 1/2 hour later worried that I was missing a leg! I couldn't feel anything. I was really getting upset because I was thinking to myself, why did I do this? What if I can't feel pushing and cannot get him out? When the doctor came in at about 7:40 she checked me and said I was only 6cm dilated. Argh... COME ON! She for some reason guessed that I'd have the baby at 8:30. What? No way. Well sure enough, at about 8:10 I felt some pressure and asked her to check me and sure enough! I was 10cm dilated and ready to push!! Oh my goodness! They got all ready and at that point I started to get so excited I just started crying. I couldn't wait to see my baby!! I couldn't feel pushing, but the doctor told me to not arch my back to push but to push it into the bed and make pretend I was doing a crunch. Well that worked well. I ended up getting him pushed out in 10 minutes!! It was so exciting.

When he was out everyone kept saying "wow, that's a big baby". haha! I looked at him and thought that he looked small, but I hadn't seen a new baby in a while so maybe he was big. Well, they put him on the scale and told us to guess the weight. So I guessed 8lb 6oz. They said "Nope, 8lb 15oz 8grams.. WHATTTTTTTTTT! Oh my gosh!!

So there it is. He is definitely different than Samuel, he is so far a lot more picky about the way he wants to be held, about eating, and definitely has his days and nights mixed up. But that is definitely ok with me.

As far as my recovery. It is night and day from my recovery with Samuel. Right after I had Zachary, I felt awake, alert and really good. I did unfortunately tear a little bit which is what I was most afraid of. That is what made my recovery with Samuel so miserable. This time though, I feel amazing. I was able to get up and walk around pretty much immediately (well, after I got feeling back in my leg!). I have had minimal pain. I woudln't even call it pain, more discomfort. I feel amazing and I am doing really good so far. Oh ya, and as soon as Zachary was born, they told me to try nursing and wouldn't you know. He is his father's son and his brother's brother. Nursed for a half hour no problem latching on at all. It was like he was born to start nursing immediately. haha!!

So there it is. I am thoroughly enjoying my new baby boy and I LOVE being the mommy to two boys :-)

Zachary Joshua!!!!

2009-05-01T10:40:00.001-07:00

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Hello all! This is Dawn, Danielle's sister.....this is the first time I have blogged so I hope I am doing this right!
We welcome a LITTLE BOY to the Tavares Family. Zachary Joshua Tavares was born tonight (April 28th) at around 8:30pm. He weighed in at 8 pounds, 15.8 ounces and is 21 inches long. He is of course ADORABLE (no bias here :) hehe) and looks like a bigger version of Samuel when he was born. Danielle did beautifully and is tired but overjoyed! Josh was a great coach as per Nana (was also in the delivery room with them). Zachary took to nursing immediately.
I will update as Danielle updates me. Congratulations Tavares Family!!!! Yay!!!!!

This is it!

2009-04-27T15:34:00.001-07:00

This is the last post until I have my baby :-) Hooray! I will update as soon as possible! I'll give my sister my info for here and have her post when the baby is here!! Pray for me!

My last pregnant picture!

2009-04-26T10:01:00.001-07:00

This is it!!!
Wow I am big...weird...

Doctors today!

2009-04-24T05:09:00.000-07:00

Hellloooo...Still pregnant...

So today I have a doctors appointment to discuss with me the induction. AHhhh...I keep praying (begging) God to put me into labor BEFORE the induction. I am ok with whatever happens, but I'd really love a shot at going on my own. So we shall see!! I did "drop". I didn't with Samuel, so that is promising! I have lots of questions to ask my OB today. One thing I didn't like about being induced was that I was not allowed out of my bed. I had to sit in bed for hours and hours. I want to be able to walk. I'd also like to sleep through my labor like I did with Samuel! haha! The goal here is to try not to have an epidural. I'm not stupid enough to say I won't get one definitely, but I didn't like the way it made me feel after. They also gave me the option of using the tub. Maybe I'll try that! We shall see :-)

Samuel is doing really well. He's so cute. He loves his room, but misses his nana and uncles & aunts & his cousin :-) He asks me almost every Sunday if we are going to nana's today. It breaks my heart! But he gets over it quickly.

Josh is doing well at his job! He likes the people a lot and his hours are marvelous! Never in our whole marriage has he had such beautiful hours. Monday-Friday 8:00-4:15. Home by 4:30 and weekends off! Ahhhh.... Those hours will change eventually, but for now, we are really enjoying them! His boss is really great and is working with him with days off and such (maybe because he is retiring next year?). So all is well there!!

As for me, I'm doing the same thing every day..Cleaning, cooking, cleaning up cooking, laundry (how do people LIVE without washers and dryers in their apartments???), and sleeping. I have been actually sleeping really well through the night! I think God knows what is coming and is allowing me to rest! Thank you LORD! Every night I am having dreams about going into labor and every morning I wake up praying that it was for real...but no suck luck. It is ok. God gave me the scripture verse to be content in ALL situations. So I need to be content right now! Kinda hard, but I'm working on it! Anyway, hopefully next time I blog, I will either have had the baby, or will be on my way to have the baby!!! See ya!

Change of plans...

2009-04-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, here it is. I went to the doctor today, and had my final sonogram to check on my fluid levels and wouldn't you know, they have dropped again. Then to top all of that off, the baby is measuring at 8lb 4oz RIGHT NOW. AHH! I am praying to God that they are wrong and the baby isn't that big. However, because of the size and because of the fluid levels, the doctor Strongly suggests that I stick to the induction date for safety reasons. So, after some prayer, I have decided to listen to the doctor. They had me sign a form that there is a possibility that they might have to dislocate the shoulder if it gets stuck. I'm sure that will NOT happen, but they still had me sign.

Now the story behind the struggle of decided to cancel my induction originally. When I first was told that I had the option to cancel the induction, I originally thought YA OK I'm going to do that, what am I nuts? NO WAY am I canceling the date. I got home, talked to my mom and sister and then God got my attention for a bit. I started really asking myself why I wanted to cancel the date and why I wanted to keep it. I realized that something God has been speaking to me about for the past few weeks is how I jump the gun a lot of times on things and I tend not to complete what I start. Some examples of what I mean is college, giving birth to Samuel, continuing school..etc. I was always disappointed in myself for not finishing that last year of Elim. I couldn't because I was pregnant, but I was always hard on myself for it. Then when it came to having Samuel, I practically threatened the doctor to take the baby, and sure enough, I had him a week earlier. And lastly, I have been putting off going back to college because I believe that maybe I am not smart enough to do it again, and also I'm afraid I won't finish then be mad at myself. So I really cried out to God (literally) and asked him to please give me peace and that I was going to lay this induction at the alter even though I wanted it, I wanted more to make the right decision. I didn't want to rush this baby if he/she wasn't ready to come.

When I went to the doctor today, initially after the sonogram I felt confused on what to do, but then when I got to the office with the doctor, I felt a total peace. I feel like it was a test from God for me to not be selfish and think of what is best for my baby rather than what is best for me. I feel released and at peace about this induction. As it turns out, the induction will be good for the baby. So I am excited. A week from tomorrow, I will be holding my new son or daughter. Life doesn't get much sweeter than this :-)

Baby & Apartment update!

2009-04-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am STILL pregnant..I know I have two weeks left, but I DON"T WANNA WAIT TWO WEEKS! Let the natural stuff begin....Going out today to buy some Herbal Tea... So this is the deal. I have an induction date of April 28th. The reason I had the induction date is because my fluid levels were low. However, they have come up to normal levels now and I have the option to cancel the induction date.

Reasons for Cancelling the Induction:

Because I"m crazy- and it's good for the baby
Because I'm crazy- oh and it's good to decrease my chances for c-section
Because I'm crazy- and it will hopefully be a tiny bit less painful
And lastly- Because I'm crazy

Reasons to NOT cancel the induction:

Because I feel crazy
Because I feel huge
Because I hate feeling like my ankles have led on them
Because I am selfish....haha!

So, as you can probably see, I am canceling the induction date.. Am I crazy? Either way I have decided to direct my anger for these last two weeks at Josh. He is now responsible for this baby coming out. If I want to take a 5 mile walk, he's coming. If I want to drink Tabasco sauce, he's doing it..If I want to take Castor oil (I'm not doing it), he's doing it too. He must feel my pain because I said so. He keeps telling me that it's ok, I'm temporarily insane and I will get better. That makes me more angry. Now I am thinking of pretending to take Castor oil, and making him take the real thing. Then when I don't get sick and he does, I'll tell him he's just temporarily insane... Do I sound horrible? I feel mean...but I also don't feel bad that I feel mean...hmm...

As for the apartment. IT IS WONDERFUL! My sister is AMAZING. Toria spent the weekend with us and unpacked the whole apartment. It is cleaned up, it looks great and I have the internet. My life is good! Besides this whole I CAN"T TAKE BEING PREGNANT nonsense.

Samuel LOVES his own room. He plays in it for hours at a time. He is the love of my life and I could bite his face on a regular basis!!! So that is it....

OK OK!

2009-04-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

Jael's 1st Birthday cake! Isn't it cool?
So happy

No pictures of me. Sorry guys. Just picture a boat...or maybe a whale..It's pretty accurate. I always feel like when I walk into a room, I should beep or maybe blow a horn like a boat coming in to dock. But I will post pictures of my beautiful niece :-)

It's been a while!

2009-04-04T19:18:00.000-07:00

So here's an update on this pregnancy of mine :-)

So, I went to my new OB (I LOVE HER) and got a sonogram and it looks like my fluids are a bit low, so I have to be monitored every week and get sonograms every week. The fluid levels are supposed to be above 10, preferably in the 12 range, and mine are currently in the 8 range. So it is not enough to be completely worried, however if it gets anywhere near 5, I need to be induced. So my doctor suggested that I set up an induction date. So as of right now, April 28th is the date I have. Ahh...I am hoping that I go on my own which the doctor said is very possible. She said she'd be really surprised if I went to that date. I am already dilated 1 1/2 centimeters. I am TOTALLY ok with having this baby early, as long as I can get past next weekend which is our official move to PA weekend. So let's hope this baby stays put for at least a week and a half.

Funny story, I was complaining that my hip was hurting and that I would feel pain every so often. So they did a sonogram and as it turns out my sweet baby's fist is wedged in my hip and is flexing. PAINFUL. I can't imagine I have any room left for this baby to move.

So that's the update. Pray for me, it's getting increasingly hard to do ANYTHING and I am really not settled.

Jael & Samuel

2009-03-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

YAAAA!

She did not like it so much when Samuel tried to get away from her
And here is the face to prove it!
Happy again!

2009-03-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

So cute! They love each other!
Look at how pretty she is!

Remember those poppy things? Samuel was cracking up!
He even tried it on his finger!

Doctors today!

2009-03-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

So today I have a doctors appointment. I have to decide where I am having the baby. I am very confused right now. I can have the baby here in New Jersey (it is about 10 minutes from my aunts house). However, it is about 45 minutes to an hour away from where i am living in Pennsylvania. When I had Samuel, the hospital we were at was also about 45 minutes away so I know it is doable. I just don't think it is smart to see yet another different doctor at this point in my pregnancy. I have about 4 1/2 weeks left so I think I need to just settle down with one doctor. My aunt highly recommends this doctor, so after I meet her, I am going to decide what to do. I am just nervous about being an hour away just in case of an emergency. I know that God will work it out and right now I am just praying that I will know without a shadow of a doubt that I am in labor when it comes. No false labor. God is in control and I know whatever happens, it will be ok.

We are at my aunts house right now for another 2 weeks and then we will be moved into our apartment in Pennsylvania. Josh started his job and he seems to really be loving it. He's not doing to much right now because his manager is away until the beginning of next week.

My beautiful little niece is going to be 1 on Friday. I cannot believe it. She is quite the character!! I have to get pictures on here, but she has finally grown enough hair to put it in a little sprout on top. She looks ADORABLE. She is the happiest little baby girl. She looks so funny walking because she is so short! I love her.... I can't wait to see her next weekend!

I'm going to go see my grandparents on Saturday which I am also really excited about! I miss them very much and they are getting older so it is time to spend as much time as possible with them!! My grandpa is going to be 92 in August and my grandma is going to be 88 ( maybe 89) in May!!! They are still living on their own and doing well. My grandpa has lost his eyesight completely at this point. He has diabetes and his eyes started going years ago, but now he is completely blind. They are managing and my mom found services to help them at home so that my grandma can have a break. My grandpa was in World War II and has a purple heart so all of these services are free! I'm so happy for them :-)

Anyway, that's the update!! I have to get new pictures on here soon!!!!!

Rough few days....

2009-03-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

So this pregnancy is really towards the end.... Please pray for me, I keep having contractions and I am soooooo tired! I keep also getting dehydrated! BAD BAD!! I need to drink lots of water. I went to the doctor and found out that I am a week ahead of where I am!! 35 weeks and 1 day. Sweet. Pray that this baby stays put until after our official move to PA which is going to be April 10th... Thanks!~!

JOSH PASSED!!

2009-03-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

Josh passed his test!!! Oh my goodness what a relief. I can breathe now! Thank you GOD!!!

Prayer Request!!!

2009-03-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Josh passed his first part of his test which is awesome! However, he failed the second part today. He has a second shot at it on Monday. They are allowing him to practice before he takes it, but if he doesn't pass on Monday, he doesn't have a job. So please pray that he passes. He sounds pretty confident and he knows what he did wrong. So please pray!!!! We want this job!!!

I AM HOME!!

2009-03-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness I am so excited. It has been a long 7 weeks, but when I got here, it felt like I was gone for such a short time! It was so good to come out of the airport and have my WHOLE family waiting there. Including my little niece. What a cutie. Oh my goodness she is walking all over the place! And what a personality! I was so relieved that she remembered me. She came to me right away and played with me for most of the night (Except for the part when she was mad at me because I wouldn't let her have my camera. Then she gave me her angry eyes and ignored me). Such cute pictures of her!

Samuel did amazing again on the flights. He is a real trooper. I am so proud of him! He LOOOOVVVEESSSS to fly. He gets really excited every time. He was so tired right before we got on our last flight and he slept the whole flight and woke up really happy and he was so excited to see my family. By the time we got back to my mom's house, he was all over the place playing and smiling. I didn't realize how much he must have really missed being here. It was almost like he never skipped a beat. Got right back into playing! Love him..

Today is the first of Josh's 2 big tests! This is it. If he doesn't pass these, he doesn't get the job. I have so much confidence in him though. This isn't a written test, this is an evaluation. He has to run an actual scenario of planes coming in and him directing them where to go. There are two parts to it. Ground and Local. Today is the ground part of it and tomorrow is the local. He feels pretty confident on the Ground section, but a little nervous about the Local. SO please if you think of him, pray! He is taking the test this morning at 10 (central time) and tomorrow 9 (central time).

So that is the deal!!! I will post pictures hopefully soon!!!

It is almost 2AM....

2009-03-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

And I cannot sleep. Not good. So I thought I'd update my blog. Just three more days until I go home! I am so excited to see my family. It has been hard being away from everyone. It has especially been hard being away from my niece. I am so upset, she started walking after I left and she is making all kinds of attempts to talk. She is really so cute. I am going to squeeze her as soon as I see her!

While I was here a couple of cool things happened. I read through 2 books (TRUST ME that is quite an accomplishment!) One of them that I finished and I know I have said it many times is The Power of a Praying Wife. It was such an encouragement. I highly recommend it. Very easy read and very powerful. I am starting a new book on Parenting. Scary. I have mixed feelings about reading it for two reasons. 1.) It's time to face the fact that I am officially a mom. I am reading a book on parenting..sheesh. and 2.) I'm afraid to see what I've possibly done wrong with my son! He has changed a lot since we've been here. He is listening better and is definitely closer with me and his daddy which I love. He makes me laugh all of the time. What a cutie...

Anyway, I should probably try to get to bed. ARGHHH! This part of pregnancy stinks!! So restless!

2009-03-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

Baby's Fist and arm :-)
Baby's face
Baby's foot :-)

Baby Update.....

2009-03-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

My little peanut is now 4 pounds, is laying head first and is very active. This little one's butt is in my ribs...she had to dig around my ribs to get a good shot and the baby didn't like that too much. The heartbeat rate is 135, fluids are good, placenta is good. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!! Hooray. Measuring right on schedule. I love this baby and cannot wait to see him/her!!

Baby Time!!

2009-03-05T05:59:00.000-08:00

Helloooo all...

I just thought I"d post a quick post. It is early and I have to go to the doctors for a sonogram and the dreaded glucose test....So close to getting out of that test. But, I should probably do it being that I got out of it with Samuel.... I am excited to see how the baby is sitting in my stomach. Last night I was pretty sure he/she wanted to come out of my stomach through my bellybutton. It seemed as if he/she stood up right under my belly button!! So cute. I cannot wait to see this baby. I keep looking at Rachel's pictures of her newborn baby and it is reminding me of how sweet little babies are...even though they keep you up at night.. It's all out of good intentions though, they just want to make sure you aren't missing them too much :-)

Have I ever told you guys that my neice is a total cutie...I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she was watching Jael while my sister was getting dental work done. Jael LOVES my brother Jonathan. So she was eating cherrios and he walked out of the room and I hear my mom saying "Jael it's ok it's ok" I could just see what was playing out..BIG poochy lip and the waterworks started. I mean her life was over. How could Jonathan walk out of that room! As soon as he walked back in she stopped. I love her...A little princess...Anyway, I HAVE to get going....I'll post pictures soon!!!

2009-03-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

Samuel LOVES his daddy
Love him.........
I do feed my son healthy things...I promise
DISCLAIMER: I KNOW, It has egg yolks in it.... But think, WE ALL did it as kids and WE ALL survived :-)
Must sleep with all toys

Hilarious....

2009-02-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

Did I ever tell you all how hilarious I think it is that my son loves the song "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago. HAHA!! He sings to it. I don't know why, but I played it once and every time it comes on he belts it out....So funny..

In other news, has anyone watched Fireproof? It was such a good movie to me at least. Acting wasn't great, but the point was. My mom for Christmas gave us the Love Dare book. Well, it has a dare for every day just like the movie. Do you know it has been awesome. I've been doing it. It took me probably 4 days to get past day 1. HAHA! I did it though, and it has been great. I am on day 7 now. It's so funny. One of the questions was to ask your spouse 3 things that you do that bother him. HAHA....I'm laughing because I got so defensive JUST READING it. haha! And you also can't say anything negative to your spouse along with asking and cannot freak out..haha. So I ask Josh and the first thing he says is "Does it have to be just three?" With a big grin on his face. So What did I do? Besides hold MY MOUTH SHUT AND PUT THE PILLOW OVER MY HEAD because I could feel the sarcasm just dying to come out. Then I thought does it count if I say it to him in my head? But I have to say. The three things he told me were so insightful. I was able to really take what he said and go to God about it. It was amazing how much I heard from the Lord about those three things and how a lot of them were deep rooted issues that I've chosen to ignore. I was expecting him to say something like I don't make dinner on time or something, but no it was totally different. I was truly grateful.

Along with the Love Dare book I am reading The Power of a Praying Wife. Also another really good book. I am learning a lot about myself. I am learning that it is really hard for me to understand the concept of praying BEFORE I open my mouth :-) We're getting there....Not perfect yet. Especially since I had a meltdown last night because I made peppersteak and the brown rice came out a little mushy. You would have thought it was the end of my life. Hormones. What can I say? Anyway, hope everyone is having a great day!!!

30 weeks....

2009-02-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I carry part of the baby in my face..hmm...I wonder...

Finally my computer is fixed!

2009-02-24T12:05:00.000-08:00

Hooray!!! Back to computer world!!

So much has gone on in the past few weeks. We've had Josh's birthday, Valentines Day, my birthday, and lots of baby stuff going on!! Everything is going really well. I am SOOO ready to come home. Oklahoma is nice, but it is not home.

Josh is doing well, he is slightly (HUGELY) overwhelmed with his studying right now. I think he underestimates himself and is definitely his worst critic! I think he's doing a fantastic job. He is working hard and sleeping well...haha... I love him..

Samuel is doing really well also. So much has changed in him since I've been here. We've really been honing in on him listening to me. Cracking the whip so to speak. He is quickly learning how to listen and behave really well..As my new friend Elizabeth puts it, we are making it inconvenient for him to disobey! HAHA! I love that line... But it is the best way to put it. He's potty trained and even gets up through the night to go to the bathroom..my little old man..I love him too!

Pregnancy is..well pregnancy. I know a lot of moms talk about how they love being pregnant and that they feel the best when they are. Ya, not me. I have come to the conclusion that I do not care for being pregnant. I feel heavy, I am waddling, and my feet look like a bunch of sausages. But it's all for the greater good. I get a little baby out of all of this. I wish there were a way that I could have kids without getting huge pregnant and without actually pushing them out...Hmm....I know, not possible, but hopeful...

So there it is in a nutshell. I am going home in 2 weeks from tomorrow. HOORAY!! I miss my family SOOOO much..... Can't wait to see them all!! Pictures soon!

2009-02-12T15:49:00.000-08:00

WRONG WAY!!

This is our porch outside!

Good horse

2009-02-12T15:43:00.000-08:00

Some fun outside!

Look at how cute he is :-)

haha!

He was looking up nanas number!

Update

2009-02-12T15:32:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!! Finally an update. We have been here for 3 weeks and we have 4 weeks left! Everything is still going well, it is getting a tiny bit lonely. I miss my family and not having the internet IS NOT cool. I really miss being in touch with everyone, but I will be home before I know it!

Josh is doing really well. He is studying a lot and is really sounding quite professional! I love it! He showed me how to land a plane in air traffic control terms. Totally confusing, but cute :-)

Samuel is doing great too! Potty training is going really well. Finally he is almost done, just having troule with the poopy part and sleeping through the night...It's ok, it's to be expected.

I am doing OK...I am tired of being pregnant and it is getting harder to get around. It is especially exhausting with Samuel. ALMOST THERE! The baby is super active which I am really happy to have. I would rather have an overly active baby in the belly than no movement at all.

We went through our first batch of tornados. 4 to be exact. We weren't really effected but, it was very apparent that I didn't know what to do, but thankfully I had my new friend here let me know what to do! haha! Bathroom and bathtub it is :-)

Anyway, I miss everyone and soon I will be home!!!

Hey Everyone!

2009-02-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

You all will not believe what happened. My internet is broken!!! So I have a minute now. Oklahoma is good. Josh is doing really well. Actually, Oklahoma is strange.....The weather is very up and down (not ideal for Samuel's asthma) but we are doing well. We have met some friends here Thank God! They are Christians and introduced us to a new church. God is good!! I can't write a lot right now, but when I get a chance, I will! Love you all!!

2009-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

my big cute boy

Reding the box of cereal with his daddy

I LOVE DADDIES SHIRT!

At the zoo

Once again eating...

2009-02-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

Finally some pictures mom!

2009-02-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Airplane!

During a layover he was playing

Samuel in the airport with his ticket

I PROMISE

2009-01-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

MOM & DAWN....Just so that it is in writing, as SOOONNN as I am done helping Josh with his index cards, I will post pictures of the apartment and of the little guy. THATS A PROMISE! now it is in writing. No more threats DAWN.....Love you guys!!!

We are here!!

2009-01-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

So we have made it and we have the internet!! Hooray!!

Samuel did AMAZING! He was so cute. My sister and brothers drove me to the airport and I had felt fine up until we pulled into the parking lot. I started feeling a little sad and nervous. We got in really fast (it is a small airport) and we started heading over toward security and that is when it hit me. I was really doing this! I started to cry when I hugged my sister. My older sister Dawn were not always close when we were kids (not really at all!). As soon as she got married we started getting closer then when we both had our kids that was it. She is certainly my best friend. For the past year we have lived in the same apartment complex and it was just nice to have my sister there right next to me. So I was sad because I feel like I was leaving behind my best friend and support.. Anyway, so the tears came huge!

After we said goodbye, we went to go through security and Samuel was, lets say WAY hesitant to give his backpack to the security people to run it through the machine. He looked like he was about to take a run for it! The people on the other side were coaxing him through with his jacket..It was really funny.

When he saw the plane he was out of his mind excited!! As soon as we got into the plane, he sat right down, said "momma you help me?" He wanted me to put his seatbelt on and he sat there with a HUGE smile on his face for the first hour of the trip! Every time we took off and landed he had a big smile. So adorable. I love him! I thank God that he did so well.

When we got to Oklahoma, Josh picked us up and we proceeded to get lost for 2 1/2 hours! The airport is 10 minutes away from our apartment!!! Oklahoma has weird roads. If you miss an exit, not such a good thing...haha!

Our apartment is AWESOME! I love it! The best part? Well, we finally have a table and four chairs that we can sit down and eat together! What a difference it is than eating in front of the TV on the couch. Yesterday it was 73 degrees and we were able to be outside for most of the day. Samuel had a blast!!! We are still really tired and I'm sure there is stuff I am forgetting to blog about, but I am SOOOOO tired I can hardly think!! I will post pictures soon!!!!

It's All Done :-(

2009-01-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

I am so sad!! I love my apartment. I really do. I packed it all up and it is finished. I am feeling sad. I haven't felt sad really since I've started packing up, but it just hit me tonight. It is weird, I am so used to Josh leaving for weeks at a time without me. It just hit me that I am actually going with him this time!! I brought Samuel with me to bring Josh to the airport ( he left today) and he was amazed. He was so excited to see the airplanes and be in the airport. I have been pumping him up for a few days (really with a hope that he will behave one the plane-not that I should complain being that Susie flew across the world with her 1 year old!!). I bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine backpack and he has been proudly wearing it. Absolutely adorable. I don't know that I am so sad for myself, but for him. I know we'll be ok!!!!

What a job it is to move. Once we get to PA I DO NOT want to move any time soon!!

So tonight I am sleeping at my parents and I am off tomorrow! Love you all and I hope I'll be able to blog again soon!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty much done....

2009-01-16T15:55:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I won't be blogging for a while. Tomorrow is the big moving things out of the apartment day. We are officially putting almost all of our stuff in storage tomorrow. Monday we are spending the night at my mom's because Josh is leaving Tuesday and I am spending the night on Tuesday and leaving Wednesday! Holy COW! Can't believe this is happening already. So until we get to Oklahoma and get settled, I probably won't be blogging! So I'll hopefully talk to you all in a week or so!!! Pray for us!

Almost there!

2009-01-12T06:38:00.000-08:00

Thank you SUSIE! I felt a lot better after reading your comment.. So, packing is going well. I keep getting bursts of energy and taking advantage (I do pay for them though after!) We got the BIG things done, like packed away the couches, emptied closets, and stuff like that. I still don't feel quite nervous, I think I may just still be in denial. I am feeling a bit sad though. I'm realizing that I'm going to be on my own without help for most of the time and I am feeling scared. But, if my mom could do it with 5 kids, I can do it with 2.

Chuck E Cheese went well the other day. Samuel had a great time and it is so cheap to bring them there! We played for 2 hours for $5. Not bad. Samuel is at a really fun age right now. He knows how to play hard. We played air hockey at this place for probably an hour. Every time the puck went into his slot or mine, he would throw his hands in the air and say "I WIN! I WIN!". Hmm.. Didn't get the concept. That's ok.

As for the pregnancy, still going. I think it is harder being pregnant this time around. The baby is SUPER active. I mean kicking all the time. From the minute I wake up to right through the night I feel the baby kicking. I am so glad. I've heard of people who were pregnant are rarely felt the baby move. Not the case here. I'd be a basket case if I never felt the baby move. I love that part of pregnancy. Everything else..ahh...could do away with. I have come to the conclusion that I am not crazy about being pregnant. I love feeling the baby move, but that is about it. I don't like the extra weight, I don't like the exhaustion! I guess its really just all a lead up to whats coming in another few months!

Ok. Well time for breakfast then back to packing!

Mothers Guilt...

2009-01-08T07:10:00.000-08:00

What is it with mother's guilt? Gosh, I feel like I am constantly feeling guilty about something with Samuel. I'm not playing with him enough, is this move going to ruin his little life? Is he going to miss my family so much that he is sad? Is the new baby going to make him feel not so good? Especially without my family? Why is he not eating a lot? I don't take him out to the library enough. I'm not teaching him enough, he's not potty trained enough. Gosh. What is this? I feel like I sometimes have a hard time enjoying him just because I feel so guilty. I end up going over to him and smushing him and kissing him over and over again and he just gets annoyed. Haha. Well, today I am taking him to Chuck E Chesse. I am taking a break from packing and just spending most of today with him. He likes to try and "help" with the packing...Not so helpful. He just likes the sound of tape and he thinks the whole reason for the boxes are for him to play. Duh. Anyway, so there it is. I feel guilty. AHH.

Ok....Finally some great news!

2009-01-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

DRUG TEST AND TRANSCRIPT FINALLY ARRIVED!! Praise the Lord! We are finally officially on our way. Josh is giving his 2 weeks today, I am starting to pack, we are setting up housing. Hooray. Finally. Thank you all for all your advice. I am really going to take it. Susie, I'm waiting for a burst of energy, and Sarah, great idea with the toys! I'm doing that too. Love you all!

Ok.....

2009-01-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

Can I vent? Ok.. I will. I am completely stressed out. This move is becoming so aggravating it is almost unbearable. More because once again, the federal government is slow. This is the deal. Josh is supposed to be in the January 21st class. You would think this would all go easily right? Oh no. Not at all. Josh had to do 2 things. Submit a drug test (did it 2 weeks ago) and get his transcript sent in (did it 2 weeks ago). What didn't the FAA get? Oh ya, the drug test and the transcript. Josh's school closed for break and apparently didn't send his transcript before they closed, and the drug test. Who knows what happened. So until those two things get in they can't technically put him in for the January 21st date. SO what does that mean to us. Josh can't give his 2 weeks notice, I can't set up storage, We can't start applying to apartments. Yes. Our lives once again are on hold until EVERYONE DOES THEIR JOB. I am so angry right now because I am pregnant huge, I get exhausted very easily, I have a three year old who doesn't care to cooperate with moving, and plans that I cannot make. We have to plan a 24 hour drive to Oklahoma and who knows if we are even going. What is God doing here. I am losing it. I just want to be on my way. I am so irritable right now and I want to just know what is going on so that I can pack. I am starting in places where we don't use things, but I am finding it really hard to balance cleaning, cooking, packing, making arrangements for housing, making arrangements for travel, spending time with my son, doing laundry, and all the other FUN stuff that comes with being a mom. And to top it all off? Josh is working 50-65 hours a week. AHHHHHHHH! Please pray for me. I need to get organized. I am so overwhelmed right now that nothing is getting done. Pray that I get a burst of energy, because I am not feeling it right now.

hmm...

2009-01-02T19:27:00.001-08:00

Did I mention that I am ACHING to know what my baby is? Just a thought..... HAHA!! Lets take a poll...Girl or boy?

My baby........?

2009-01-01T06:30:00.001-08:00

Did I mention that I love my neice?

2009-01-01T06:25:00.001-08:00

Uncle Josh is funny....
Mommy I'm tired....
Do I have to stay up until 12 to see the ball drop?
OK I WILL!
All she got for Christmas was her two front teeth!

2009-01-01T06:15:00.000-08:00

Superman!
Gotta take a break to read
Daddy "watching" Samuel...See how good my boy is? Daddy told him to sit and read a book while he takes a nap and he listens. I love Samuel.

Remember these when we were kids? SO cute!

Some Christmas and New Years pics!

2009-01-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

Christmas times and Pennsylvania!

2008-12-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

So it has been a while since I've blogged so here it is. Christmas was amazing. The best Christmas I've had in a while. Love it! I'll have to post pictures soon.

Pennsylvania.. Hmm. Well yesterday Josh and I went to Philadelphia and spent the whole day looking for apartments. It was funny, because after probably the 7th apartment. We were shot, but determined to finish looking! We looked at about 11 in all. Holy Cow.... Not exactly what we are looking for. The problem is that my apartment now, has a huge livingroom. I haven't seen lots of apartments with a livingroom this size anywhere, so I am spoiled. I'd rather have a small bedroom and a big livingroom since that is where I would be most of the time. Well, the apartments were nice and we liked the last one (maybe because we wanted ourselves to like it because we were so tired and just wanted to go home!), but, it doesn't have a washer and dryer in it. Big problem for me. With two kids, I don't see how I can keep up with the laundry while dragging them around.

We decided at around 6 to call it quits. We were tired, had to drive home, and had to eat. We ended up going to Carabbas. VERY GOOD restaurant by the way. Delicious. Well we were going over everything we had seen, and a waitor came up to us and asked us if we were looking for apartments. He told us about his complex and he HIGHLY recommended it, it was huge, lots of things to do etc. So obviously we couldn't see it yesterday, so we came home, looked at it online and it looks BEAUTIFUL! Exactly what we are looking for, exactly our price range, and a decent size! WITH A WASHER AND DRYER! So please pray for us, we need to go make another trip next week and we want to be able to make a decision because we are leaving in 3 weeks. AHH! Scary.

The trip from Long Island to Philadelphia is super easy. It took us about 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was really nice. I love that you aren't on a road for 200 miles..It is broken up nicely. I hated driving to Elim. It was about 7 hours and you were on the same road for about 150 miles...BOOO! So there it is. I'll keep you all updated on how everything goes. I'm sure my blogs are going to be sparse. I have to start packing and getting everything in order to leave. Bye!

Merry Christmas!!!

2008-12-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!! I forsee myself being VERY busy the next few days, so I hope everyone's holiday is amazing......Love this time of year!!!

Samuel's 3rd Birthday!

2008-12-16T05:46:00.000-08:00

Samuel and Aunt Toria being...weird..

Oh My goodness..that face is priceless :-)
Samuel's favorite present!

2008-12-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

2008-12-16T05:31:00.000-08:00

Samuels 3rd Birthday!

2008-12-16T05:27:00.001-08:00

Lists....

2008-12-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of 10 STUPID things to say to a pregnant woman:

1.) You must be having a girl because your face is so round..I mean, it has changed dramatically. (Aka..You are fat)

2.) Are you eating well? You look pretty round all around (Aka..You are fat)

3.) How much weight have you gained so far? (Aka..You are fat)

4.) You look "healthy" (Aka..You are fat)

5.) You look really great pregnant (Aka..You're fat has tightened up)

6.) You look a lot bigger this time around (Aka..You are fat)

7.) Were you this big with your first pregnancy? (Aka. You are fat)

8.) Wow you must be ready to pop! (Aka..You do NOT look 5 months pregnant..You are fat.)

9.) You are waddling a lot..Must be uncomfortable (Aka..You are fat and waddle)

10.) And last but not least........YOU LOOK FAT (From the in sensative brother-in-laws who are just stupid...)

So...Here is ten things YOU DON"T SAY TO ME. Thank You.

Move to PA.....

2008-12-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

Ok...So here are the final details. We are not leaving on the 23rd...No one wanted that date, so it has been moved to January 21st!! And even better, the class is less than 2 months so what does that mean? I will have a good month and a half before I am due to move to PA! Sounds good to me..Better than 2 weeks before I was due..haha! Everything is falling into place. I was nervous because my insurance runs out at the end of February, and with Josh's new job, the insurance starts in the middle of February!! So the pregnancy is covered, Josh is covered, great insurance and we won't be paying $600 a month like we would have at Wal-Mart!! God is good!!! Pictures coming of Samuel's birthday!!

Hey!!!!!!

2008-12-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! Samuel's party was a smash hit! I will post pictures probably tomorrow. But, now for some new news.....

Went to the sonogram and they could not tell what the baby was even if we wanted to...too much of a squirmy wormy! So adorable...

And......as of December 23, 2008, we will no longer be residents of NY!!! Josh got called again for the FAA and as crazy as it sounds, we are going to be moving to Oklahoma for 4 months (dangerously close to my due date) then off to Pennsylvania for good! Well, we are looking to move back to NY after a couple of years, but they called us last minute and I literally have to pack up my apartment, find a storage unit, load it, drive to Oklahoma, find an apartment in PA, AHHHHHHHHH!!! So much to do, but so excited! Christina & Susie, am I going to be ok in another state without my mom? I was at church today and watching Samuel sit near my mom and sit on my dads lap and I just cried. I know we are not going to be so far away, it will be about 2 1/2 - 3 hours. I won't be working, so I can probably visit more. I will be living close to my grandparents and my aunt. I am looking forward to spending more time with my grandparents because they are getting older and I'm not sure how much longer my grandpa will be around. I also know that my grandparents have my mom come down so I can always meet her there. I am sad though to know that I can't just run over to my mom's house. Anyway, any advice? I'm sure I'll be fine. Oklahoma will be the hardest because we won't see them for months straight. AHH! It's going to be OK! Just tell me how I am goin to do Susie & Christina!!!

So please pray that everything falls into place, tomorrow we will hopefully get details.

Samuel's 3rd birthday!

2008-12-06T10:41:00.001-08:00

We are having his birthday party tonight!! YAY! My family tonight. I love it. He is so adorable and fun I cannot wait to see him have such a good time :-) I'll post pictures!!!

2008-12-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

18 weeks!!
They are so cute :-)
See my mom's eye in the back? Yup, Dawns big head is blocking it...haha..Love you Dawn!
All of the kids/husbands/and grandkids
How cute is this girl?

2008-12-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

Truck pictures!!!

Holiday thoughts....

2008-11-27T05:43:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving!!! This is by far the best time of year. For the next month, I am completely beside myself. I love Thanksgiving, I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas. I love everything about the holidays. I am officially allowed to play my Christmas music (Ok, well, I have been listening to Bing Crosby's Christmas CD for the past month). I am decorating TOMORROW! I am mostly done with Christmas shopping. I finished shopping for Josh, finished shopping for Samuel (I hope, I'm buying too much for him which I will soon regret). Oh ya, the cutest thing happened the other day. I brought Samuel to Wal-Mart because we had to return something and I had to look at something in toys (mistake). Well, he saw this HUGE tonka truck. Now let me just say my son plays with each and every one of his toys every day. He is a huge toy kid. He especially loves any kind of truck as long as it is big. He loves the Hess trucks and his favorite toy is a toy my sister in laws boyfriend bought him. A fire engine tonka truck. So anyway, we go to Wal-Mart and I see Samuels eyes get HUGE haha..He ran over to me and said "MAMA MAMA!! LOOK!" he brought me over and I saw this HUGE tonka truck that made all kinds of noise. And, as you can imagine, my heart melted and I wanted to buy it for him at that very moment, especially when he turned to me and said with huge eyes "Mama I want twuck pease pease!!". Oh Lord...that's it..So after looking up and seeing that the truck was $40 I said hmm...not so much. SO not wanting to be the bad guy, I called Josh over and I told Samuel to ask daddy. He did the same thing..big eyes "Daddy I want twuck pease! Pease!!" Josh turned to me and grabbed his chest. He was like "Oh buddy, you want that truck? I'll tell you what. Maybe for your birthday we'll get it but not now OK?" Spoken like a true daddy. Samuel put his head down (heartbroken mommy watching) and he said "Ok daddy." Oh Lord. So I've been determined to find a way to get that truck. So my mom called me yesterday and said that my grandma was coming out for thanksgiving and she wanted to give Samuel & Jael a toy, so she gave us each money to go buy whatever toy they wanted. So, I used half of her money to buy the truck and then part of my mom's money for his birthday to buy the rest of the truck! So today is going to be exciting. I wrapped it and he's going to be opening it today!! I am so excited! He is going to be beside himself!!! I'll try and get some pictures!!!

Anyway, all of this to say, I love the holidays for this very reason. I love watching my son get excited over a truck. I love watching him get excited over opening gifts and the tree. It's a wonderful time of year for our little family. Every Christmas I wake up early and make a HUGE breakfast and Samuel gets a treat..Yup A donut from Dunkin Donuts (a only once a year treat). I make these really good burritos. I get whole wheat wraps and put eggs, salsa, sour cream, tobasco sauce, I make cajun potatos (SO GOOD), bacon, and sometimes ketchup in the burritos. So delicious! And then we end the meal with a donut. Samuel never has them since we don't really allow snacks in the house, so he gets so excited and messy. Then usually after he is done he grabs his stomach out of being completley stuffed and goes and sits down. haha! My little old man :-) I love him! Anyway, so Happy Holidays!!! My favorite time of year :-)